how does it feel
to be real
I have disassociated
outside of reality
a spectator of the self
I see you humans
I play human games
I laugh a human laugh
but underneath this face
all chill mechanics
can you tell
the light is broken here
only an automaton
this heart won’t budge
this watchlike brain goes
click click click
still they laugh
and play their games
and I watch
no matter what happens
all I can do
is watch
I realized I’ve been hiding my real writings recently. Oops, bad Sarah. No secrets. Be open.
It sure was comfortable while it lasted, haha.
Something nice to muse upon… what is the best compliment you ever received?
I was watching old home movies
I saw mom laughing again
The elegance in her hands
Her purity
Kid me came up to her with the camera
I said, “What are your thoughts on life?”
“I’m for it,” she quipped.
“What are your thoughts on death?”
“Also for it.”
Her philosophy would be tested and proved
later in life,
later in death.
She may not have known this word for it,
But she was very Tao.
I always saw mom in me
Her philosophical side,
Her creativity
Her crazies
Her acceptance.
The best compliment I ever received
Was from friends who never really knew mom
They told me I was just like Dad.
Something I had never considered before.
But once I did I knew it was true.
I got his outrageous side,
His caring
His extroversion
His stoicism
His sense of humor.
Both were nonconformist
Both were strong
Both were smart
Both were brave
Both were loving.
I am lucky, so lucky
To have had such parents
I am lucky to have a family
Bound tightly together in common tragedy
I know true tribalism
It’s wonderful
To know who you are
To have a place
To have a role.
Everyone has ever been so good to me
As good as they knew how
They have taught me how to be good to others
Some lessons better than others
I am grateful for everyone
I try to deserve what I have
But not too hard.
Trying too hard to deserve something
Makes you deserve it less,
grow unbalanced.
I must love me
If I am to love others.
Odd that being in the presence of my heroes
Should make me feel so small
We spend our time
Building each other up
And I always leave
Feeling smaller
Undeserving
These people are my people
My family
I love them unconditionally
And they me
I just have to love myself
Unconditionally.
The cat gave me a compliment today.
She waited outside the shower for half an hour
I take long showers
And when I came out
She purred, happy to see me
Rubbed against my wet leg
Knowing she would get wet
Deciding it was worth it.
My sister tells me to come visit.
I say, I have a nasty cold.
She says, then I’ll make you soup.
The joy of my visit outweighs
The physical discomfort I bring.
Love should not be measured in sacrifice.
The pleasure should outweigh the pain
By a grand margin.
However, it can be a small proof
Here and there
Little heartwarming gestures.
Someone gives you roses
You know they gave up some time and money for them.
Someone gives you food
They made just for you.
Someone reads your blog
Every day.
Grub toward food
Vomit
Return to it
Like a dog.
Wish you were dead
Wish you were alive
Exit smoothly, soundlessly
No one will notice
No one will care
And those who do care
Will not be there
To help you
Because you hid from them
Everything
You hid from them
The great nothing
That you are
Those gaping insides
Your fake humanity
They can’t see
If you don’t let them
They don’t know
That a parasite has taken over your limbs
Eaten your viscera
Animated your shell
So you keep
Working, buying, sleeping, working
And your nothing looks and your nothing responses
Don’t elicit
The slightest tremor of alarm
And everyone
Just
Keeps
Smiling
Here’s a funny thing about myself. I always have majorly overblown confidence about a thing until I’m halfway into it.
“I’m not afraid of people. I love talking to people! I can face down a crowd.” Then I blithely stand up to tell a story about a coworker at a small friendly retirement party. I am shocked when, halfway through, my hands are shaking hard. I have to breathe and calm down but my punchline falters a bit. Am I afraid of public speaking? Looking back to when I did theatre in college, it was the same: one hundred percent confidence followed by shakes on stage.
“I like rock climbing! I like nature! I’m gonna sign up for this little class and learn the knots and then I can hang (get it?) with my rock-climbing big brother and sister.” I take the class, start climbing the first little practice tower, and hit critical mass. I am shaking so hard I don’t trust myself to climb any higher. My hands have locked down on the rock climbing nubbins. “I forgot I’m afraid of heights!” I call back to my bemused classmates from a whopping ten feet high.
I got to meet a new friend on videochat recently. No fear there. Slept like a baby. Excited, happy puppy enthusiasm. “Yay, a new person to love!!” We talked, and she was awesome, and the conversation was easy, and everything was fine as long as I didn’t get distracted by my own reflected strangerface and lose track of the conversation.
After I hung up, I started making some oatmeal. As I stirred the pot I thought, “Where is that quiet screaming coming from? It’s getting louder. Oh, right! My own head.” After some puzzling I figured out that it was latent anxious adrenaline rush from meeting her. DID SHE LIKE ME WAS I STUPID DID I HURT HER FEELINGS???
Anyway, I thought it was just a funny character trait, but now that I’ve written it down, I see it’s my old friend Emotional Repression popping up. Hello again. Let’s never talk.
I have definitely gotten better, but digging my emotional core free is a slow, slow process. Sometimes Repression pops up and bites me in the ass, just like old times. It bites less than before, but it still bites.
When I was a kid
I was afraid of the dark.
I used to make myself walk down the hallways in the dead of night
With the lights off
Just to prove … I don’t remember what
Maybe it was pride.
Maybe I despised my own cowardice.
So I just looked at the light switch
Then stared down the demons in the dark.
I hadn’t gone to the dentist in eight years
A lost filling finally drove me to the waiting room
Where I sat, my stomach knotty with fear.
After that I kept up with my dentist visits
Through crowns and drills and fillings lost and gained
And stainless steel needles the size of Montana
Culminating in my most recent visit
A small filling restored with,
By my own request,
No numbing agent.
I found it was nothing I couldn’t handle.
Now when I go, I marvel
At my lack of fear.
I never allowed myself the luxury of feelings
Afraid that they would hurt others.
This has been the worst fear to overcome.
I have progressed from exploring my emotions,
To writing them out,
To showing them to the world
My family
And hardest of all, my dad.
Because I loved him the most
I hid the most from him.
Protecting him from my unhappiness
Afraid he would blame himself
Or worry about me.
Today he called me
Asked if I was feeling okay
He’d read my bleak poem
And worried.
I reassured him, the poem was old.
When I hung up the phone
I wondered
At my stability in the face
Of what had just happened.
Dad had seen one of my darkest pieces.
And he had worried.
But things are different now.
I can be honest with him.
His humanity doesn’t break me.
My own humanity doesn’t break me.
The self-loathing spiral
Never came.
Now I have to keep posting
As if I didn’t know he was keeping up on the blog.
Or rather, I know that he is,
But I am able to be honest now.
Sometimes I want to die
Sometimes I want to stab something
But mostly I love my life
And although I still cherish my family,
I no longer idolize them,
Or feel the need to protect them.
I have always considered myself uncommonly lucky
In family and friends.
Today I can feel lucky
And not feel guilty too.
I can feel grief and pain
Just as easily as I can feel love.
But most of all,
I can feel.
And I feel grateful.
And I feel free.
