Tag Archives: Repression

silent too long

 

I’ve been keeping this notebook by my bed
and I haven’t written a damn thing.

I can’t keep living
a wordless existence.
I can’t sustain this silence.
A blank page is a sin
an unexpressed thought, a loss.
I’ve been mute too long.
Even a marble statue
emotes.

loneliness
is the worst curse a human being can bear
it’s why we obsess about

love

identity

society

family

none of us can stand to be alone
and a good person
will not suffer to see
another one
in isolation.

Without the capacity to communicate
we are diminished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

The Watch

 

how does it feel
to be real

I have disassociated
outside of reality
a spectator of the self

I see you humans
I play human games
I laugh a human laugh
but underneath this face
all chill mechanics

can you tell
the light is broken here
only an automaton
this heart won’t budge
this watchlike brain goes
click click click

still they laugh
and play their games
and I watch
no matter what happens
all I can do
is watch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Journal – the best compliments

I realized I’ve been hiding my real writings recently.  Oops, bad Sarah. No secrets. Be open.

It sure was comfortable while it lasted, haha.

 

Something nice to muse upon… what is the best compliment you ever received?

 


I was watching old home movies
I saw mom laughing again
The elegance in her hands
Her purity

Kid me came up to her with the camera
I said, “What are your thoughts on life?”
“I’m for it,” she quipped.
“What are your thoughts on death?”
“Also for it.”
Her philosophy would be tested and proved
later in life,
later in death.
She may not have known this word for it,
But she was very Tao.

I always saw mom in me
Her philosophical side,
Her creativity
Her crazies
Her acceptance.

The best compliment I ever received
Was from friends who never really knew mom
They told me I was just like Dad.
Something I had never considered before.
But once I did I knew it was true.

I got his outrageous side,
His caring
His extroversion
His stoicism
His sense of humor.

Both were nonconformist
Both were strong
Both were smart
Both were brave
Both were loving.

I am lucky, so lucky
To have had such parents
I am lucky to have a family
Bound tightly together in common tragedy
I know true tribalism
It’s wonderful
To know who you are
To have a place
To have a role.

Everyone has ever been so good to me
As good as they knew how
They have taught me how to be good to others
Some lessons better than others
I am grateful for everyone
I try to deserve what I have
But not too hard.
Trying too hard to deserve something
Makes you deserve it less,
grow unbalanced.
I must love me
If I am to love others.
Odd that being in the presence of my heroes
Should make me feel so small
We spend our time
Building each other up
And I always leave
Feeling smaller
Undeserving
These people are my people
My family
I love them unconditionally
And they me
I just have to love myself
Unconditionally.

The cat gave me a compliment today.
She waited outside the shower for half an hour
I take long showers
And when I came out
She purred, happy to see me
Rubbed against my wet leg
Knowing she would get wet
Deciding it was worth it.

My sister tells me to come visit.
I say, I have a nasty cold.
She says, then I’ll make you soup.
The joy of my visit outweighs
The physical discomfort I bring.

Love should not be measured in sacrifice.
The pleasure should outweigh the pain
By a grand margin.
However, it can be a small proof
Here and there
Little heartwarming gestures.
Someone gives you roses
You know they gave up some time and money for them.
Someone gives you food
They made just for you.
Someone reads your blog
Every day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

The Parasite

 

Grub toward food
Vomit
Return to it
Like a dog.
Wish you were dead
Wish you were alive
Exit smoothly, soundlessly
No one will notice
No one will care
And those who do care
Will not be there
To help you
Because you hid from them
Everything
You hid from them
The great nothing
That you are
Those gaping insides
Your fake humanity
They can’t see
If you don’t let them
They don’t know
That a parasite has taken over your limbs
Eaten your viscera
Animated your shell
So you keep
Working, buying, sleeping, working
And your nothing looks and your nothing responses
Don’t elicit
The slightest tremor of alarm
And everyone
Just
Keeps
Smiling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

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