Tag Archives: Dark humor

The Ice Skater

 

This is a collaboration between Cowdog Creatives and myself.
It didn’t go perfectly… there was some confusion as to the exact nature or species of our hero, but after we embraced the mystery, it just added to the charm. I suggest you don’t overthink this one. Unless you really want to. If so, I will accept your fully fledged literary criticisms.
Enjoy!

 


 

Once upon a time there was a time traveler named Mickey. He decided to go forward to the future and see how his kid would grow up.

His kid was an honor student in present, but in the future he was sassy figure skater. Not that this was a bad thing… but their grandfather had been tragically killed while watching a figure skating competition, and Mickey was AGHAST. He ran out onto the ice and tried to stop his kid from competing, but he got run over by the skates of a one-hundred-competitor-parade. He lost a head. He ran to catch it as it slid across the ice but it was punted by Mickey’s son while he was performing his last spin. The head landed in a stroller and the mom mistook the head for her baby and left. Mickey and his kid now had to take care of the baby, but this was tough for them since it was a human baby.

Mickey was now a Headless, and he couldn’t really see well. Everything he saw was the other doting parents. Sometimes he would stub his toe and scream profanities at them and they would be startled. Often he had to eat baby food. They always babbled loudly over him when he tried to explain anything to them.

Meanwhile, his body had to be led around by his sassy son, who frequently grew impatient and abandoned him to get lattes.

One time he abandoned Mickey’s body in the bad part of the neighborhood and a pimp found him. His body was forced into prostitution and he was very popular since everyone wanted a good time without any judgemental words. Mickey’s sassy, figure skating son had to use his masculine wiles to entice them to let him go.

But it was too late. The Headless already had syphilis.

The parents of the head watched horrified as its nose decayed off.

“Syphilis,” said the doctor.

Syphilis.

The son put the body out pasture, where it could die a peaceful death in the grass. It leaked many fluids.

On the bright side, the leaked fluids from the Headless fertilized the pasture and a beautiful, large tree grew…it was vaguely shaped like a hydra.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Old Fart

 

I age.
The restroom is up a flight of stairs.
Relieved to see it unoccupied,
I trundle my weight up.
Gasses leak before
I ever reach the door.

I am reminded of old man Charlie.
He too would emit
On the ten yard trip across the room,
The bathroom far too distant
For aged cheeks to fight back
The wayward brew,
Which only a diet rich
In vegetable margarine and sauerkraut
Might engender.
And how will my diet appear
To the next generation
What poor choices of today
Will be paid for
In tomorrow’s intestinal distress?

I make it to the stall without trouble
No emergencies here.
I am still young enough.
I even have time to peer out the window
At the bright sidewalk below.

Just in time to see
Two girls with long legs
Long legs
Legs like herons
Did girls always have legs like that?
Graceful, lean, sun kissed fresh
They talk to one another as they pass
Of girlish things;
unaware of the vulture eye
Two stories above them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Wellness enthusiasts

 

walled in the well
we love the well we live the well
it’s all well here
we dug the well in the dark
we wallow deeper
we want the well
the well wants us
it’s nice
to be buried, alive
no one knows we’re here

where where
are the well people
with oily reflecting eyes
wobbly wet skin
slime in their hair
cold fingers
And webbing, webbing everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Let’s go to the fair

 

This one is a few years old, from back when I was young and bitter, heh. I’m glad I got older and am now very slightly less bitter. Ahh, it’s good to be breathing the fresh free air of being very slightly less bitter.

Yeah I’m in a weird mood today. Need blood. Anybody wanna loan me some blood? Need sleep. Anybody want to borrow my hyperactive-only-at-midnight kitty? He’s very large and noisy and destructive. All he asks is for constant attention and food and play from 11:30-1:30. If you can wear him out, then pin him down for ten minutes and withstand the battle damage, he’ll go right to sleep like an angel.

 


 

Let’s go to the fair
And have a nice time
Eat cotton candy
Make ourselves sick on deep fried foods
Spin until we can’t see straight
And win a giant stuffed animal
By popping balloons with darts

Yay, that was fun
I feel ill

It was worth it
To see you smile
You smile so rarely anymore
My sweet thing
It doesn’t take much
Or rather
It takes an entire fair
Organized and operated by hundreds of people
Sixty dollars for tickets, food, gas
And you need to get tossed around violently by machines.

But it’s a small price to pay
To see you smile
Dear god I’d do anything to see you smile
Fuck don’t leave me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Mystery Albatross

 

Where did this albatross come from.

It’s dead on my living room rug. We don’t even live near the ocean. Could this be a prank? It’s fresh. Do I know anyone who went to the sea recently?

Albatrosses mean something, don’t they? I can’t recall.

Well, I’ll just have to throw it out with the rest of the dead animals in my living room. I really need to get around to that.

 

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