Tag Archives: awkward

How I get through meetings

I wrote this last year during my first meeting/welcome party at my job. I still find it entertaining.

 


 

 

what an awkward meeting

everyone’s staring at each other

nobody has jack shit to say

stare

stare

all of these people will be dead in fifty years

or close

unless there’s a war

or global warming

then all of these people will be dead in less than fifty years

and everyone would come to their meetings with haunted eyes

but I doubt that will happen

because the university will shut down

and in the case of a nuclear apocalypse

that will be

the only blessing

 

Two worlds blew up in the future and I

I chose the one without the university

and that has made all the difference

 

I feel like we’re gonna be here a long time because we want to justify all the planning and partying we’ve done to be here

that’s ok

every welcome party

makes me feel more isolated

and hate myself more

why is that I wonder

all this attention on me

and me, not being the right kind of person to accept it healthily

 

now we’re talking about pies

and everyone is a LOT more comfortable

people are cute

now we’re awkward again

we’ve exhausted the topic of pies

 

Now we’re talking about baseball

and John has taken over the conversation

everyone seems a bit relieved and just a slight tad antsy

but mostly relieved that we don’t have to look at each other

conclusion: not a lot of extroverts in this group

 

Somebody let a monster into the room.

“GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE!” Melissa screamed. It looked at us all with beady bloodshot eyes, its fangs dripped, its short nude body all unnatural veins and floppy genitals and lumpy musculature. It heaved with each breath and flitted its eyes around the room as if looking for something.

Everyone rolled their their chairs away from it instinctively.

The creature started towards Melissa, the closest, who got up and backed into the table. She grabbed the nearest weapon, a coaster, and threw it at the monster. It bounced off the monster’s head with a stony PLUNK noise and then hit Kirk.

The creature menaced towards her. It grabbed her with one meaty hand and bared its fangs. She screamed hysterically as it sank its teeth into her shoulder.

John, who had the most PTSD, was the quickest to react. He grabbed his thermos and beat the creature over the head. The creature flinched several times but didn’t back down.

Stacey ran out for help. Erin leaped on the creature, trying to pull it off of Melissa. I grabbed a pen and stabbed the creature repeatedly in the shoulder and back. The pen broke.

And that’s when Hannah hulked out. “NOT AGAIN!” she screamed. “Goddammit not again! You bastard!” She flipped the ten foot conference table, leaped upon the monster, and caved in its skull with one punch. The creature twitched and died. Blood pooled. Melissa shakily extracted herself from underneath the body.

“Whew, you guys have interesting meetings,” I said lamely.

Awkward silence reigned once more.

 

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Office Produce

It’s that time of year.

The office break room table is littered with free produce.

They’re never normal. There are always skinny u-shaped cucumbers, zucchini the size of hams, overly muscular heirloom tomatoes.

Oddly shaped vegetables that say things like, “New gardener,” “How in god’s name can anyone eat this many vegetables,” “I don’t have the energy to can or freeze foods,” and “Maybe somebody else will eat this penis-shaped one because I can’t handle the vibes it’s giving me.”

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