Tag Archives: Depression

One step at a time

 

Please note this was written on Sunday. I’m fine now… heh.

 


 

It’s coming around again
Pulling me down into the sludge
Remember me, it hisses.
You nearly forgot me.
You thought I was gone didn’t you.
No, it’s never gone.
But I will never succumb to something so vile.
I am stronger than this thing
That lives in my brain.
I am stronger than anything
That might take up residence there.
Everything
On my terms.
I will not let it have me.
I have it
It does
Not
Have me.
I can weather this storm.
I’ve weathered worse.
I’ll probably have to weather worse again.
It’s just another day
And all I really have to worry about
Is the next step.
Brush teeth.
Wash hands.
Don’t let the inertia pull you down.
Fight.
Fight.
Go for a run.
Try some chocolate.
Get up, go to the bathroom.
It’s not hard
But my god
It’s so hard.
Don’t hurt yourself.
Don’t kill yourself.
You are not at fault.
Don’t drug.
Don’t drink.
Write, write, write, write, write.
Go for a run.
It’s okay to order in.
It’s not that hard.
It’s so hard.
But it’s not hard.
Just focus on the next step.
All day I dream of sleeping
All night I dream of sleeping.
Everything is in black and gray.
Don’t cut yourself.
Don’t swerve the car into traffic.
Don’t follow that mental path.
It’s not about willpower
It’s just about impulse control.
We can do this.
We got this shit in the bag.
It might only last a day
If you’re lucky.
If you run.
If you make dinner.
If you get up and go to work.
If you don’t hurt yourself.
If you get some sleep.
If you take a shower.
Don’t count the time.
Every second is a year.
Just focus on
Doing the laundry.
Feeding the cat
Getting the groceries.
You can do this.
Hang on.
You can do this.
Hang on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

That damn bluebird

 

It’s easy to forget

But happiness

She always comes back

 

That emptyheaded little bluebird

Flutters off

God knows why

She has everything she needs here

I do all I can to make her comfortable

But sometimes she just

Has

To leave

And I wait for her

Looking anxiously out the window

Refilling her water bowl

Putting out her favorite treats

Trying in vain to lure her back

And hope

That she didn’t leave for good this time.

I need her

To fill my day with songs again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

A Little Sad

When I promised honesty, that wasn’t so much for you as it was a promise to myself. Every single thing I post is a little bit scary to put out there, whether it’s silly, or straightforward, or sad. I’m not sure why I’m being so strict with myself. Well, yes I do. I know that it’s good for me, and I know that writing is missing something when it is written by a person who won’t let you see past their walls. Posting about being sad is the hardest though. Vulnerability… Just the word makes me cringe. It’s so gooey sounding.

 

It’s easy to write a poem

When you feel something.

When passion rises

Words are cheap.

But when you’re sad

Every word has to battle its way to the surface.

I have nothing to be sad about.

All my needs are met.

I have people whom I love

And who love me.

I have access to all the chocolate I can eat

And the freedom and funds to do so.

I even have the Tao; something I can believe in.

I let go of resentment and guilt.

Yet still

Still there are days

When I am sad

And I can’t

Pin down

Why.

My sister doesn’t get sad.

She told me so.

There are people like that in the world.

There are also people in shitty situations

Who have so much trouble they don’t have time to be sad.

Maybe I’m not being true to myself somehow

Maybe I’ve inherited something

Maybe the happy people are the anomalies

And to be sad is merely human.

Maybe it’s in our nature to strive for more

No matter how much we have.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep

And tomorrow morning

Everything will be rosy again

As it so often is.

For me, the morning really does bring light.

 

It’s gotten better with age.

I’ve learned coping mechanisms

I’ve learned to express myself

I’ve learned to get exercise.

All these things make a difference.

But I guess there are some things

You can’t completely rub out.

Everything leaves scars.