Tag Archives: Grief

Being There

 

My friend wants to see me.

I’m sad, she says. Someone has died.

I’m here for you, I say.

Of course I’m not there.

I’m 150 miles away.

You can come by, I say.

She drives all the way here.

I consider making her brownies

But I’m too tired even for box mix

Having had a headache all day.

She comes in

Brings me chocolate.

I give her hugs

I give her a clean bed

I give her little else.

I feel useless.

We don’t have much time to talk

She has to get up early.

I wish I could do more

Even when she feels like this

She has made all the effort

She has brought me gifts

She

has blessed

me

On her sad day.

 

Maybe it’s nice to spoil someone else

Maybe it helps.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Sometimes I forget

How generous she is.

How I am often the selfish one

When she is around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Imagining Losing You

 

To lose you

Unimaginable

You are half of me.

You are always there.

When I need a laugh,

When I need a cry.

You know me best

You read my heart

You see my soul.

To lose you

Is to lose myself.

A vital organ

Roughly excised

By uncaring reality.

I have confidence in my ability to face anything

Only because you support me.

Nothing scares me

Except

The prospect of life without you

Makes me dizzy with fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

That feather touch

 

That feather touch

You are so light

So gentle with me

Do you think I will break?

I pour your coffee

You laugh at my joke

Why can’t we be forever.

I want this to be forever.

But you’re slipping through my fingers

You sublimate

And before I can understand why

You’re nothing but ether

A soft golden glow of remembrance.

A ray of sun lighting up the dust motes

Alighting on your picture.

And although it’s been weeks

Since you were here

Your touch lingers on my hair.

 

I’m not ready

It’s not true

Your picture is here

But it’s not you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Elegy for Mom

My sister said I should post this. I wrote it right after Mom died. She suffered from mental illness for most of my life, and passed away from complications due to Huntington’s disease.

 

 


 

 

Mom–

You were my idol

You were a voodoo queen

An earth goddess

A diva

A madwoman

A sophisticate

A saint

Always with a touch of the divine

Though everything you said was unreal

You never lied

You were fragile

And strong

And so much a part of me.

I used to envy the kids who had normal moms

Even the adults who complained about their aging parents

But these days I know better.

You taught me how to wear my crazy well

You were a fast friend

And a devoted parent through the last moment of your life

Often you were

So much more than human.

I battle myself not to be like you

I push myself to be more like you

You were a dark enigma

Yet transparent as light

Gentle yet terrifying

When you lived I couldn’t handle the pain of your existence

Now that you’ve died I find the absence hard to bear.

I once thought I took more care of you than you did of me

But today I understand what you sacrificed to protect your children.

Your laugh echoes in my empty heart

Your spirit derails me still

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Another one for Mom

 

Mom

Was it four years ago

Only four

When you were in the kitchen, insisting on helping with the dishes

You took so long

Running the disposal dry for minutes at a time.

 

Was it three years ago

Only three

In the cold, you in your green trenchcoat and walker

And I took you to a Chinese restaurant

For your latest obsession, orange chicken.

You hugged the waitress and told her you loved her.

 

Was it two years ago

Only two

When I was feeding you ice cream in bed

Sugar free, but we didn’t tell you that.

You ate it all, every time if I let you.

You told us you weren’t sick.

 

Was it one year ago

Only one?

We’d asked you if you were done with meds

And you nodded an emphatic yes

One of the last things you said.

We held your blue fingers

And watched you fade.

 

I miss you

I miss you

I hated to see you suffer

I was glad you got to go

But I still miss you.

Days go by

I’ve made new friends

I’ve found new joys

I am blossoming in new ways

You would be proud

You were always proud.

I haven’t missed out on anything

But I miss so much.

 

You were always easy to talk to

You knew things

I bet everything I have uncovered for myself

You already knew.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

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