She was drunk, struggling to articulate
Lengthy pauses before each sentence
Halting, frustrated speech.
I’ve seen this before
She fights to be conscious, despite the sleeping pill
Her mind heavy
Her body stubborn
Her tongue a lead weight.
I’ve seen this before
She is deep in the throes of neurological degeneration
Forcing thoughts through the thick walls
Of her solid-shrunk brain.
All of them demanding to be heard,
To be understood
Willing their selves past mental barriers
Deliberately balancing simple words
Like a child stacks blocks
With their fullest effort.
I’m not an expert blah blah blah.
When you first stop yourself from doing the bad thing
(Disassociation, denial, self-harm, drinking, addiction, etc.)
You think you’re going to explode and scream and have an aneurysm.
You cry and shake and wonder if this is what it’s like, riding it out
And if so, how the fuck do normal people do it every day?
You’ll go through three months to three years of instability
Where you snap at your friends and perplex them with your choices
As you desperately seek an outlet
Trying every possible vent that might give some release
(Art, talking, exercise, diet, therapy, meds, religion)
It doesn’t happen quickly
Not in most cases.
You have to heal
And healing takes time.
Once your bad coping mechanism is, not gone (never gone),
But under control
You find you need to make some major life changes
(New spouse, new job, new gender, new friends, etc).
As your current situation is intolerable
And was only rendered tolerable by your overwhelming self-distraction.
The desperation fades.
The world comes into focus.
The people you once despised
Become people you respect.
Every once in a while
You’ll run into remnants of your old self.
You’ll know them through but they’ll look like strangers
And you’ll see right through their bullshit.
I have tools at my disposal
To keep my house happy
Good for trimming overgrowth that presses against the house
Or repairing damage from the environment.
That one is good for sawing down trees that might work their roots under.
This one helps me patch holes in the walls.
This glue prevents things from falling to pieces.
This paint keeps it cheerful and waterproof.
If I spray the house often, I keep the bugs out.
Moisture is inevitable, but it shouldn’t damage,
And it’s most important to keep the bugs out.