Tag Archives: journal

Journal – I don’t belong here

I have Imposter Syndrome so bad today. I am not cut out for office work. I keep waiting for someone to notice.

I send emails with incorrect data, retract them, send them again. Leave stuff to the last minute. Oh look another typo on some vital spreadsheet. Sure I took care of that email yesterday… oh wait I’ve been neglecting them for three days why do I have no sense of time?? Basically I seem to get away with murder. Then a supervisor gives me a piece of candy and goes, “Thank you for your hard work!” and I’m like, “Oh they are so sweet, fuck I don’t belong here.” I feel like a horse in an aquarium. I’m waiting for someone to gently shoo me out of here. It’s exactly what happened to me at my last job, I got gently shooed out. They were like, “You are the nicest person but we need someone who will sacrifice their soul to this place, secretly put in extra hours, you know. Not you. We don’t want to fire you but it would be nice if you left.”

The funny thing is, I think I was better at that job than I am at this current one. But the current job, they care about their employees and try to make them feel valued, which has the strange reverse effect of giving the crazier ones Imposter Syndrome. What can you do?

I just need to go for a run. Everything is better when my blood sugar stabilizes. Until then, poetry is my only recourse.

 

I don’t belong here.

I watch everyone smile

and talk about the weather

like it really is fascinating.

Everyone seems so stable.

Everyone is caretaking dying people

Yes, you heard me right

and they still manage their lives pretty well

and their work gets done

and they fi gi===

Okay. I know this isn’t true.

I know that the one who is caretaking a dying person

Is stressed out of her mind.

And the other one

has withdrawn deep into himself.

I know that the really beautiful ones

who eat organic food out every day

and are probably in debt

and lie with the smiles on their faces.

And there are several here

who are just as crazy as me.

But it’s hard to talk myself out of my crazy.

I’m just as human as they are

They are as human as I am.

I’m very grateful to have a job.

I’m too grateful to have a job.

Dear god make the gratefulness stop

 

 

 

 

At My Sister’s House

For some reason my subconscious is full of dragons, and that’s all that seems to end up on my blog. But make no mistake, I love my life. I guess the following is closest to a journal entry.

 

8/14

At My Sister’s House

“Sarah’s here!” Three little voices sound off. “Sarah’s here, Sarah’s here!”

The dog comes bounding over with a smile. The kids run up to hug me, their enthusiasm just as pure.

The house is warm and comfortable. Sean keeps it clean; Jessica keeps it colorful. There is always something fragrant sauteing on the stove. On the counter are homemade pumpkin muffins, chocolate covered espresso beans, a bottle of wine.

As we cook, we make fun of her old and busted food processor. We laugh, giving it a hazing that a sentient being could not endure. She has little interest in technology; her kitchenaid mixer is the only food gadget that gets any respect. I ask her to taste my pie filling. She swipes a finger through and licks it. “More sugar,” she says. Of course she’s right.

The children pop by occasionally for hugs and samples. They’re young but these kids already know their way around a spice rack.

Friends file in. Every person brings a dish, and a story about their day. Each familiar face gives fresh warmth to my heart.

Two rules in this house: everyone gets a hug regardless of their comfort level, and they must taste everything at least once, regardless of their comfort level.

The people distract Jessica. She starts talking, gesturing, telling stories. She focuses her whole self on this, usually waving a spatula or fork instead of using it to stir. This is my time to shine: I prompt her for directions and finish up what she has started.

The craft beer and wine make everyone’s faces bright. Neighborhood kids wander through: “Did you get permission to be here? Use my phone, call your parents.” We shoo the dog out of the kitchen repeatedly, the children’s fingers must be extracted from the chocolate batter, the cat lays on the floor in the center of the chaos, unconcerned. And what a beautiful chaos it is.  We laugh until we cry. “Anybody want tea?” “Is something burning?” “Come see what we drew today!”

Usually the food gets prepared and consumed at different times, but this time, every dish is ready at once. Dishes pack the table: chocolate pie, angel food cake, roast vegetables, tacos, olive cheese toast, dip, salad, bread, cajun shrimp, cheese biscuits. We stare at the spread, impressed, unsure how to begin. “Anybody religious?” Jessica quips, hoping to give this gorgeous meal a proper sendoff. I propose a toast after our family tradition: “Good health and happiness, for the rest of our lives!” People circle the kitchen island, grab random beverages so they can join in, until everyone’s glass (bottle, cup) has tapped everyone else’s.

We eat until we can’t eat anymore. We laugh until we can eat again.

We finish our food on the porch in the evening summer air. There is a cage with two hairless rats out here; they are the subject of some snuggling and much ridicule. Careful not to pet the ball python after you pet the rats.

Things are quieting down. Guests leave. Everyone gets some leftovers to take home.

Sean and the kids put on YouTube. Jessica and I linger in the kitchen, clean up a bit, talk some more, mull over the events of the day. What were the best dishes, did that thing you cooked turn out like you expected, how is homeschooling coming along? We eventually join the TV crowd and work our way underneath the warm heap of animals and children, where we comfortably enjoy the company and let the kids show us what they’re most excited about.

At some point I must reluctantly extract myself from the couch, say my goodbyes, and drive home. But the warmth lingers in my bones. Deeper, even, than that.

Crazy days

A little bit about overcoming my emotional repression. This one was hard to share, I actually wrote it yesterday but didn’t have the courage to share it until now. Funny, what I’m afraid of.

 

What an emotional day.

I felt crazy at work to start with

The photographer’s flattery got me off keel

Then I got screamed at by a random road rager

Though I thought I took it well, when I got home I cried

But… in the photographs, my smile is real

And the tears had come freely

For me, this is a big step forward.

I rewatched a show and it had more import

And I thought, oh my God,

I’ve been missing out on so much of the storytelling experience

I’m going to have to read all the classics over again

Goddamnit all.

Journal – Sick kitty and pasta

I had a rough day today. Kato kitty is sick. I took him to the vet and he has bladder stones! Poor kitty. She gave me meds and special food to hopefully break them up. When I got home, I was all stressed out by the cats being stressed out, and Don started asking me a lot of hard questions about the decisions I’d made, and I was like, wait a minute, why didn’t you go with me? FROM NOW ON you go with me to the vet.

Then I got extra tired and needed a nap, as I will do when I’m stressed. When I woke up, the concept of giving the kitties separate foods and giving Kato antibiotics every day for a while wasn’t unapproachable at all. Everything was fine and I was capable again. We administered the drugs without any trouble, and Kato likes his new food.

I used to be repressed, to the point where I didn’t have feelings about much and didn’t know what I wanted. I’m much better now, but still have some room to grow. I am a little startled by how upset I got over Kato’s sickness. This is a good thing for me, though. Since I’ve gotten in touch with my emotions, I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with something horrible like a pet dying. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I’ll throw a big fit. I threw a small fit today. Don was alarmed, lol.

Here was a nice thing about today: a Brioche Burger Bun with Butter and Blueberries. I like to do this instead of jam. It feels healthier and has a nice fresh flavor.

I also had homemade pasta with seafood and sausage, but it’s two days old, and for some reason, it tasted 100% like Spaghetti-o’s. There was a lot of love in that pasta, I made it for my dad and brother’s birthday, spent over $30 and four hours on that meal, Jessica’s kids and I made the pasta by hand, and it turned into frigging spaghetti-o’s? What kind of a world do we live in where injustices like this can happen?? At least I know it’s more nutritious but I still have to make my way through another serving. It’s a little bit funny though. Maybe if I warm it up right next time it won’t be so bad.

Well, that’s all the guts I have to spill.

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Cute Spider

Yesterday, on lunch, my friend Hannah and I met the cutest little spider.

I’ve been reading Dragonball to her on lunch. Reading Dragonball aloud is the most hilarious thing. You should definitely try it. It’s very important that Hannah has a firm background in the classics, so I’ve taken it upon myself to educate her in this regard. Needless to say, she is a very patient friend.

As I was screaming at her, the spider came up to us. He stood on our table and always had at least one foreleg outstretched, like the pinky finger of a tea drinker. Often he had two legs out. He was so dainty. The pictures Hannah took give him scary black spikes on his legs, but he actually had fluffy clear spikes.

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If I poked at him, or if the camera got too close, he would do fast little parkour hops and bank off of the thing in the most alarming and stop-motion way. Have you ever noticed, some spiders move in stop-motion? Especially jumping spiders.

We decided he was looking to catch a fine breeze and let him use our table, but he was really extra and distracting. Dragonball was pretty much a bust that day.

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