Journal – I don’t belong here

I have Imposter Syndrome so bad today. I am not cut out for office work. I keep waiting for someone to notice.

I send emails with incorrect data, retract them, send them again. Leave stuff to the last minute. Oh look another typo on some vital spreadsheet. Sure I took care of that email yesterday… oh wait I’ve been neglecting them for three days why do I have no sense of time?? Basically I seem to get away with murder. Then a supervisor gives me a piece of candy and goes, “Thank you for your hard work!” and I’m like, “Oh they are so sweet, fuck I don’t belong here.” I feel like a horse in an aquarium. I’m waiting for someone to gently shoo me out of here. It’s exactly what happened to me at my last job, I got gently shooed out. They were like, “You are the nicest person but we need someone who will sacrifice their soul to this place, secretly put in extra hours, you know. Not you. We don’t want to fire you but it would be nice if you left.”

The funny thing is, I think I was better at that job than I am at this current one. But the current job, they care about their employees and try to make them feel valued, which has the strange reverse effect of giving the crazier ones Imposter Syndrome. What can you do?

I just need to go for a run. Everything is better when my blood sugar stabilizes. Until then, poetry is my only recourse.

 

I don’t belong here.

I watch everyone smile

and talk about the weather

like it really is fascinating.

Everyone seems so stable.

Everyone is caretaking dying people

Yes, you heard me right

and they still manage their lives pretty well

and their work gets done

and they fi gi===

Okay. I know this isn’t true.

I know that the one who is caretaking a dying person

Is stressed out of her mind.

And the other one

has withdrawn deep into himself.

I know that the really beautiful ones

who eat organic food out every day

and are probably in debt

and lie with the smiles on their faces.

And there are several here

who are just as crazy as me.

But it’s hard to talk myself out of my crazy.

I’m just as human as they are

They are as human as I am.

I’m very grateful to have a job.

I’m too grateful to have a job.

Dear god make the gratefulness stop

 

 

 

 

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17 comments

  • Something we’ve all felt at some time or another!

    Liked by 2 people

  • God, you have such an amazing way of saying how you feel! So if you could have your druthers with nothing to keep you from doing whatever it is you wanted, what one or ten things would that be? I would be a brilliant rock star with too much money who travels the world and a best selling author who makes people laugh and think and feel things that they normally don’t! Other than that, I wouldn’t change my family or the people I love in my life! But it’s taken me a very long time to feel good about what I’m doing (currently) and knowing that I might not get exactly what I want and I may be stressed out much of the time with the absurdity of life, but I also wouldn’t change very much of it. I hope you start feeling better about your job situation or that you find a job/career that actually fulfills that sense of purpose you’d like it to! Also, Imposter Syndrome is real! I deal with it on a daily basis.

    Mona

    Liked by 2 people

    • Something about the phrase “imposter syndrome is real” strikes me as an oxymoron, haha
      If I had my druthers… Early retirement! No work at all! I think I would spend my days at home curled up with the cats and a hot mug of tea, just writing, and my weekends yukking it up with family. That shouldn’t cost too much to maintain such a modest lifestyle, right? All I need is five hundred thousand dollars! Easy enough!
      A rock star, really? Do you sing?

      Liked by 2 people

      • Exactly about imposter syndrome! Oh to live the life of Riley — whoever that was! Here is wishing you winning lottery tickets falling from the sky so that you can retire early and write! As to my being a rock star! Oh, no, no, no, I do not sing, whatsoever! Which is probably why I wish I could be a rock star because I admire those who can! Even for one day might be nice. Or two. Then I’d write about it! šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • And I wish you temporary rock stardom, and glitter falling from the sky, and cute new shoes just jam-packed with money!

          Liked by 1 person

          • I tell you what Sarah, if I ever achieve temporary rock stardom, (Hahahaha!) I will make sure you get front row tickets with VIP status and I’ll split half of all that money that magically appears in those amazingly cool, glittery boots with you! šŸ™‚

            Ah, it’s good to dream, especially with those who dream with us!

            Mona

            Liked by 1 person

  • I wasn’t cut out for sales, but I made a career out of it anyway. In the end I got good at it, but I was lying to myself about actually liking it. Instead, it was driving me further and further from myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  • I was one of those damn bastards – for a while. What ruined it for me was the way management managed it – not! When I got close enough to retirement, I did. So I sleep in, write, read, drink cups of tea, have endless lunches with friends, smell the roses… now, if I could have those glittery shoes full of money, I would hire me a housekeeper/chef/gardener to take care of all the mundane stuff inside and out!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Isn’t amazing the power a bad boss has to ruin it for everybody? I have a really great boss right now so I don’t mind my job most days, my biggest problem is when I suck at it.
      Haha, it sounds like we have some of the same ideas about what we would do with our glittery shoes of money. šŸ˜€ I might hire a housekeeper and someone to mow the lawn, but ain’t nobody gonna touch my kitchen.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know just what you men ’bout the kitchen. Mine is pretty spesh too – but would willingly lend it out for the occasional chef cooked meal – as long as it is restored to its usual pristine condition.

        Like

  • You can overthink anything whether you working at a sweet government job or staying home with the kids. Keeping busy seems key.

    Liked by 1 person

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