Journal – I don’t belong here
I have Imposter Syndrome so bad today. I am not cut out for office work. I keep waiting for someone to notice.
I send emails with incorrect data, retract them, send them again. Leave stuff to the last minute. Oh look another typo on some vital spreadsheet. Sure I took care of that email yesterday… oh wait I’ve been neglecting them for three days why do I have no sense of time?? Basically I seem to get away with murder. Then a supervisor gives me a piece of candy and goes, “Thank you for your hard work!” and I’m like, “Oh they are so sweet, fuck I don’t belong here.” I feel like a horse in an aquarium. I’m waiting for someone to gently shoo me out of here. It’s exactly what happened to me at my last job, I got gently shooed out. They were like, “You are the nicest person but we need someone who will sacrifice their soul to this place, secretly put in extra hours, you know. Not you. We don’t want to fire you but it would be nice if you left.”
The funny thing is, I think I was better at that job than I am at this current one. But the current job, they care about their employees and try to make them feel valued, which has the strange reverse effect of giving the crazier ones Imposter Syndrome. What can you do?
I just need to go for a run. Everything is better when my blood sugar stabilizes. Until then, poetry is my only recourse.
I don’t belong here.
I watch everyone smile
and talk about the weather
like it really is fascinating.
Everyone seems so stable.
Everyone is caretaking dying people
Yes, you heard me right
and they still manage their lives pretty well
and their work gets done
and they fi gi===
Okay. I know this isn’t true.
I know that the one who is caretaking a dying person
Is stressed out of her mind.
And the other one
has withdrawn deep into himself.
I know that the really beautiful ones
who eat organic food out every day
and are probably in debt
and lie with the smiles on their faces.
And there are several here
who are just as crazy as me.
But it’s hard to talk myself out of my crazy.
I’m just as human as they are
They are as human as I am.
I’m very grateful to have a job.
I’m too grateful to have a job.
Dear god make the gratefulness stop
Fresh Hell 
Something we’ve all felt at some time or another!
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God, you have such an amazing way of saying how you feel! So if you could have your druthers with nothing to keep you from doing whatever it is you wanted, what one or ten things would that be? I would be a brilliant rock star with too much money who travels the world and a best selling author who makes people laugh and think and feel things that they normally don’t! Other than that, I wouldn’t change my family or the people I love in my life! But it’s taken me a very long time to feel good about what I’m doing (currently) and knowing that I might not get exactly what I want and I may be stressed out much of the time with the absurdity of life, but I also wouldn’t change very much of it. I hope you start feeling better about your job situation or that you find a job/career that actually fulfills that sense of purpose you’d like it to! Also, Imposter Syndrome is real! I deal with it on a daily basis.
Mona
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Something about the phrase “imposter syndrome is real” strikes me as an oxymoron, haha
If I had my druthers… Early retirement! No work at all! I think I would spend my days at home curled up with the cats and a hot mug of tea, just writing, and my weekends yukking it up with family. That shouldn’t cost too much to maintain such a modest lifestyle, right? All I need is five hundred thousand dollars! Easy enough!
A rock star, really? Do you sing?
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Exactly about imposter syndrome! Oh to live the life of Riley — whoever that was! Here is wishing you winning lottery tickets falling from the sky so that you can retire early and write! As to my being a rock star! Oh, no, no, no, I do not sing, whatsoever! Which is probably why I wish I could be a rock star because I admire those who can! Even for one day might be nice. Or two. Then I’d write about it! š
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And I wish you temporary rock stardom, and glitter falling from the sky, and cute new shoes just jam-packed with money!
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I tell you what Sarah, if I ever achieve temporary rock stardom, (Hahahaha!) I will make sure you get front row tickets with VIP status and I’ll split half of all that money that magically appears in those amazingly cool, glittery boots with you! š
Ah, it’s good to dream, especially with those who dream with us!
Mona
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I wasn’t cut out for sales, but I made a career out of it anyway. In the end I got good at it, but I was lying to myself about actually liking it. Instead, it was driving me further and further from myself.
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Euch… Work. I guess it beats feudalism, but that’s not saying much.
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That’s a pretty fair summary of it — unless you’re one of the lucky ones who finds work that fulfills them. Both my brothers are like that. They flourish in their jobs.
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My brother is really happy about his job, too. Those bastards.
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Damn total bastards who enjoy what they do for a living and are fulfilled!
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EXACTLY.
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I was one of those damn bastards – for a while. What ruined it for me was the way management managed it – not! When I got close enough to retirement, I did. So I sleep in, write, read, drink cups of tea, have endless lunches with friends, smell the roses… now, if I could have those glittery shoes full of money, I would hire me a housekeeper/chef/gardener to take care of all the mundane stuff inside and out!
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Isn’t amazing the power a bad boss has to ruin it for everybody? I have a really great boss right now so I don’t mind my job most days, my biggest problem is when I suck at it.
Haha, it sounds like we have some of the same ideas about what we would do with our glittery shoes of money. š I might hire a housekeeper and someone to mow the lawn, but ain’t nobody gonna touch my kitchen.
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I know just what you men ’bout the kitchen. Mine is pretty spesh too – but would willingly lend it out for the occasional chef cooked meal – as long as it is restored to its usual pristine condition.
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You can overthink anything whether you working at a sweet government job or staying home with the kids. Keeping busy seems key.
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Whenever we get busy at work is when I start making mistakes and then I plummet! Maybe it’s more like, not overthinking is the key.
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For years I felt like the hamster on the wheel, just going round and round but getting nowhere and feeling really tired, leaving little energy for much of anything else except the necessary things, which then occupied all the time that was left and meant I was even more exhausted. What helped me was trying to connect with individuals I could somehow offer something to or advocate for or just plain listen to when they were disgruntled (as I felt a lot of the time too! — maybe they sensed we were in the same boat). It helped to think of work as my neighborhood where everyone has their patch of grass and a house to maintain and we all want it somehow to be respectable. That doesn’t mean I’m going to always mow my grass when someone else thinks I should, or get to fixing that broken wall any time soon or do it the way the neighbor across the street would. But their house is an ugly color and why can’t they paint it? And I know their one kid is challenging and their dog is too loud, etc — everyone has issues, but they are generally pretty good at masking them.
A wise woman once told me that much of the time with most of the world we have to just “wear the mask” and carry on, but with those we love and trust we can be real and they can be real and there are no masks and that’s where the rubber meets the road. The maskless portion of our day might be small, but nurture it, cherish it and save the largest share of your gratefulness for those who are maskless alongside you.
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Heh… I’m pretty bad at the mask… that’s what gets me in trouble a lot of the time!
I recently discovered that I might have ADD. It explains a lot about how everyone else seems to be able to focus on their spreadsheets and not make mistakes EVERY DAY.
You’re so people-motivated! I’m mostly motivated by the prospect of future naps, hahaha.
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And you are funny! Another difference between you and me!
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