Tag Archives: imposter syndrome

I know this merry go round

 

next comes
confidence caught on the updraft
losing gravity floats apart
scatters into madness, confusion
stress and self-hate
pull out all the coping mechanisms
plug the hole, wedge the door
battle my own brain
and wonder
can they see
what I won’t show
can they hear
what I won’t say
suppressing impulses
success is excess
I hate myself so much more
when I get what I want
when I reach a goal
when I outpace my peers
this is
the American Way
it would be easier
to subsume myself
into the crowd
I have to force ahead
be uncomfortable
accept who I am
in order to grow
accept who I can be
who I should be
or should I just live
a life of quiet desperation?

 

 


 

 

Remember how I started submitting prose and trying to get 100 rejections? I got two rejections… and one challenge win. WTF. I don’t deserve to win for my terrible writing! AAAAAA! But I’m also proud. I am amazing! I am too many things at once! AAAAAA! Pass the coffee!

I’ll post a link when it’s published! Wish me less crazy today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Journal – I don’t belong here

I have Imposter Syndrome so bad today. I am not cut out for office work. I keep waiting for someone to notice.

I send emails with incorrect data, retract them, send them again. Leave stuff to the last minute. Oh look another typo on some vital spreadsheet. Sure I took care of that email yesterday… oh wait I’ve been neglecting them for three days why do I have no sense of time?? Basically I seem to get away with murder. Then a supervisor gives me a piece of candy and goes, “Thank you for your hard work!” and I’m like, “Oh they are so sweet, fuck I don’t belong here.” I feel like a horse in an aquarium. I’m waiting for someone to gently shoo me out of here. It’s exactly what happened to me at my last job, I got gently shooed out. They were like, “You are the nicest person but we need someone who will sacrifice their soul to this place, secretly put in extra hours, you know. Not you. We don’t want to fire you but it would be nice if you left.”

The funny thing is, I think I was better at that job than I am at this current one. But the current job, they care about their employees and try to make them feel valued, which has the strange reverse effect of giving the crazier ones Imposter Syndrome. What can you do?

I just need to go for a run. Everything is better when my blood sugar stabilizes. Until then, poetry is my only recourse.

 

I don’t belong here.

I watch everyone smile

and talk about the weather

like it really is fascinating.

Everyone seems so stable.

Everyone is caretaking dying people

Yes, you heard me right

and they still manage their lives pretty well

and their work gets done

and they fi gi===

Okay. I know this isn’t true.

I know that the one who is caretaking a dying person

Is stressed out of her mind.

And the other one

has withdrawn deep into himself.

I know that the really beautiful ones

who eat organic food out every day

and are probably in debt

and lie with the smiles on their faces.

And there are several here

who are just as crazy as me.

But it’s hard to talk myself out of my crazy.

I’m just as human as they are

They are as human as I am.

I’m very grateful to have a job.

I’m too grateful to have a job.

Dear god make the gratefulness stop