I once was a mountain
I now am a mote.
I tore myself to pieces
yanked the fragrant stands of pine
tumbled the elegant waterfalls
bloodied my hands
tore my nails
bent my back
ground the last pebble
under my heel
until I was just
miserable dust.
I once was a mote
I now am a castle.
I built myself up
bricks to crenellated battlements
magnificent masonry
exhausted and proud.
I light a match
and burn me all down again.
Empty self
Empty self
Mantra is to empty self
Pull your feelings off the shelf
And pour them down the drain.
Nobody needs that shit in their life.
Nobody needs the nasty voices
The gut punch of insecurity
The sharp ream of loathing
Nobody needs that mean little chewing creature
In their heads.
Some people don’t have mean little creatures in their heads.
Instead they have burning skyscrapers.
Some people are trapped in a crashing plane,
Or whole self sunk deep under quicksand, waiting for a breath.
Some people have something inside them so damaging,
They can’t even bear to look inward.
I do this for you.
I am relieving you
Of the burden
Of myself.
I love you too much
To destroy you repeatedly.
Instead, this way, you are only destroyed once more.
Please forgive me.
I know you will.
You’ve forgiven me for worse.
You forgive me
Daily
For worse.
I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
I don’t deserve anything.
I don’t deserve your presents or love or encouragement.
I don’t deserve your tears, your money, your heartache.
I don’t deserve your long-suffering, painful red eyes.
I don’t deserve the way
You just keep bending.
I deserve your hatred.
I deserve blows.
I deserve prison.
But you
Will never give those things to me
Not you.
Not ever.
I will never change.
I have tried and I have tried.
I’m giving up on me.
Something you would never do.
Then again, I was never
Good enough
For you.
I gotta learn how to upload sound files properly… but I was feeling especially lazy today.
how to encapsulate
hate
Of all the hates
hate for the self is strongest
because you have no defense
from yourself
denial is all you can use
a powerful tool indeed
but once hate wrests that from you
it can turn your greatest defense
into its sharpest weapon.
Hate stings
it burns
it cuts cuts cuts cuts
it hangs itself
shoots itself
throws itself over boundaries
and even when it falls
it crawls crawls crawls
so you kick it
fight it
try to
destroy it
sometimes you win the fight
sometimes you lose
but the battle never ends
and there are days when hate
appears to be
insurmountable
hate is a monster.
hate has fangs.
hate has many grinding teeth.
quick to eat, slow to digest.
hate is always
hungry
undeniable
hate runs deep
hating you
hating your movements
hating your soul
hating what you are
hating what you aren’t.
it is righteous anger.
it is simpering greed.
it steps on the faces of good people
it spits on the finest intentions
crumples them like old tissues and throws them out.
hate has no regard
no respect
nothing
a consuming fire
a consuming evil
a consuming disease
It eats eats eats
and you
always in the middle
scared you
eyes like marbles
pale, weak
tired
you
are the one who has to fight this thing.
I met a girl at a wedding
She had a fur stole.
Though I wasn’t bothered
She rushed to apologize
Explaining that it was her grandmother’s
And more a crime not to wear it.
Found out I was a girlfriend not a wife
And said bitterly, they’re in fashion now.
She explained that she, once a wife,
Had been relegated back to girlfriend status
Topping it off with the comprehensive phrase: it’s complicated.
Then she laughed, said she was fine
But it was clear she was not fine.
Declared us friends
And promised me more details after the ceremony.
I did not seek her out.
I had a sense that once she started talking
She would not be able to stop.
I danced one song with her.
She was manic
Dancing her fierce fake happiness
Bare to all.
Three times she told me
How she tore the edge of her dress
With her stiletto
Unaware of her own repetition
Unaware that she had actually injured my toe
In her clumsy drunken ambling.
In the process of self-destructing
Unable to take ownership of the better things
She threw her stole aside.
The things she still wore
Couldn’t withstand the strain
And shredded apart
Just from being near her.
Whose friend is that, people asked me judgmentally.
I defended her the best I could
But neither did I want to to get caught up
In the wake of her desperation.
Fresh Hell 