Tag Archives: Marriage

Life in the Desert – collaborative story

 

I’ve been wasting time writing stories with my friend G lately, and they said I could post one of them. This one cracked me up. I love collaborating on nonsense like this.

 

G>S001 03/29/19

Janet and Bill had moved to the desert two years ago.  They liked Dry Climates, and they hated Rain, although they liked water.  Bill had been a former executive with Podunk Industries, makers of Inner Tubes, and Janet had been a programmer working for a small company called “Magic”, that had been recently bought out by Microsoft.  Janet had quite a large chunk of stock options in Magic,and she had cashed them out so that they could build their dream home in the Desert.  Their dream home was a Cave in the Desert, in which they invested a lot of money to make it into elegant and sustainable living quarters. It had running water, a sewer system, toilets, Propane piping, and electricity from the 15 Kilowatt Propane generator, as well as a solar powered system for energy collection on the sunny days, which of course was most of them. Polished stone flooring was added throughout the cave to add a touch of elegance.  The cave contained his and her garages for their vehicles, including a small helicopter, and there were secret passages, a safe, a safe room, a full kitchen, gym and workout room and rooms for their hobbies. All of this was sealed behind a huge door impenetrable by outsiders, and closed circuit surveillance kept an eye on everything so it was very safe and secure.   Bill played the Guitar, and Janet liked crafts of all kinds, so they each had rooms filled with stuff of their likings.  One day Janet said to Bill…..

S>G002 3/30/19

“All this stuff sure is great, but what good is it without children?”

“No no,” said Bill. “I have insecurities and I know I’ll make a terrible father. How about instead of a kid, we get a pet?”

“I would like a pet!” Janet said.

“Whew,” said Bill, relieved.

But his relief didn’t last for long. Soon the house, already jam-packed with belongings, was also jam-packed with camels, the manifestation of Janet’s unfulfilled desires. They had over thirty camels and Janet insisted on keeping them inside, and the camels chewed on everything.  One day Bob was trying to recline on his hammock in his room when the camel-chewed string broke and he fell, landing hard and breaking his coccyx.

“Help!” He called, but Janet had gone out for more camel kibble. A camel walked in the room and stared at him, glassy eyed.

“I hate you,” he told the camel.

The camel leaned over and started to lazily eat his Lego set.

G>S003 3/31/19

“That’s it!…I’ve had enough”, said Bill to himself, and he got the plasma rock melter out of the cave’s tool storage area, and headed to the back of the cave, to melt out a new room, a pen just for enclosing all of Janet’s camels. While he was performing this task, Camels would wander back to see what he was doing, spit on him, slobber, make a humorous braying sound and then wander back.

“Damn Camels!!” said Bill to no one in particular, and continued his rock melting. Bill
laughed when one of the Camels walked in front of the Plasma Rock Melter and was instantly vaporized. Just as he was finishing, Janet returned with a truck full of Alpo Camel Bits, Camel Kibble and 100 pound sacks of Buffalo Camel feed.

Janet said “Where is my Favorite camel Zelda?”

Bill said with a chuckle, “Just follow the smell…and you will find her.”

Janet said, “What are you doing, Bill?”

He said, “I am making a Camel corral to house all of your Camels before they eat up the entire house…they already ate most of your craft items in your craft room.”

Janet said, “Well OK, but right now could you get the loader to move all the food from the truck into the Camel Pantry?”

“Sure,” said Bill.

Janet added, “I bought something for you too, Bill…it’s in the Truck.”

S>G004 4/1/19

As Bill hobbled back to the entrance, he thought to himself how lucky he was that Janet wasn’t angry at him for disintegrating her camel. He hoped the present she got for him wasn’t heavy; the plasma rock melter was the heaviest thing he could carry. In fact, now that his rage had subsided, he realized how much pain he was in, and set down the gun before he went outside. He got there and blinked in the sunlight for a minute, wondering where the truck was, when he heard a stainless steel door slam
shut behind him.

“You melted Zelda,” Janet said from the balcony. “We’re through! I’m finding a man who can love me, my 4 billion dollars, AND my camels!” She went inside.

“Augh, what will I do?” Thought Bill. “We’re surrounded by miles and miles of desert. The nearest place is that little Western style town forty miles away.”

A Lego set crashed at his ankles. Another landed on his head. His scalp started bleeding. He stumbled over it and landed on his coccyx again.

“Janet, please,” he said.

“I’m not listening,” her voice called. “And I’ve got the plasma cannon aimed at your heart. Get out.”

Bill sighed and started walking.

G>S005 4/1/19

Soon the sound of a vehicle approaching could be heard.  With the desert mirage effects, he couldn’t tell what it was.  Then it got closer.  It was Janet.  She hollered to Bill, “APRIL FOOL!”

Bill said, “Huh?”

Janet said, “I don’t know how you could think that the Camels could be more important than you!”

“But,” said Bill.

“But nothing,” said Janet, “if you had been more observant you might have noticed the Giant Lego set that I bought for you in the truck.”

“You scared the hell out of me Janet…I thought you might even melt me with the Plasma Cannon.”

“Pretty good April Fools Joke huh?” said Janet. “Hop in so we can get back and corral the Camels in the new room you built for them…Two of the Camels ate all of the soap I just made in my Craft room, and one of them spit soap bubbles and bit me, so I think that corral was a real timely good idea.”

Janet applied gauze to Bill’s head, which had cauterized in the desert sun.

Janet said, “I am sorry I was so angry, but I was bitten by a scorpion when I got back, and the poison made me nuts for a short while.”

“Time for Ganja Janet?”

“Absolutely Bill, fire up Billy Bong when we get back.”

 

The End

The Visitors

 

I opened the window long before sunrise. Then I walked through the whole house, looking for anything that they might use against me in the light. A piece of hard candy on the floor could be a fatal mistake.

I had to placate them.

Even though I hadn’t told them anything, my children were on edge. They knew something was wrong. Kids are good at reading their parents.

A small sound in the hallway made me jump. But it was only my youngest daughter, in her footie pajamas, her face screwed up in childish misery.

“Mommy,” she said. “What is that smell?”

“Quiet, baby. It’s just the Visitors. Go back to sleep. I love you.” I held her close so she wouldn’t see my tears. I love you.

By the time she went back to sleep, the daylight was upon us in full force. I hadn’t begun the sacrifice. I hadn’t done enough. It didn’t matter; no matter how much I did, it was never enough.

I hurried to the kitchen and got out the eggs, the bacon, the butter for the sacrifice. They must be appeased.

A fatty thumping on the stairs.

Oh my god oh my god.

And there in the kitchen archway stood a harbinger of the apocalypse, my mother in law, cigarette in hand. She wore a puffy pink robe, which had fallen open, exposing her grotesque choices in underwear and in self-care.

“Where’s breakfast,” she snarled.

The other one would be down any minute. Soon our home would become a hellscape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Bison Woman

I don’t usually post on Saturday but I don’t want to leave that mopey shit up all weekend.

Here is something I wrote long before the blog was born. It’s the weirdest thing, I still love it.

 


 

 

No Martha

Don’t you tell me what to do

I have enough problems already.

Go to bed

And give me your dentures

‘Cause last night you bit me

And it’s bad to sleep with them in.

 

Take me to another world

A dream

Where everything smells better

And I can jump

Like a gazelle

Do gazelles jump?

They bound

I could bound like one

I could bound through a grassy savanna

Away from the tigers

Away from the bison

Away from you

You disgusting bison woman

Give me your teeth goddamnit

Why are you fighting me on this

It’s like you want to bite me.

 

I don’t know.

This isn’t how I’d imagined marriage

Maybe next life

I’ll come back

As something asexual

A self pollinator or cloner would be nice

Reproduction

Is not worth

This battle.

 

Bison woman

I think I love you

But I wanna know for sure

Come on and hold me tight…

 

…YES I got the teeth!

Sweet victory!

Sweet, sweet victory

Sweet dreams

I don’t know

Her teeth

Even when in my hand

Are so strong and square and darkly toned

They intimidate me

Ruminant teeth

Why would the dentist

Choose such a color

I guess he knew what matched her best

It’s more an art than a science

Like much of life

Like marriage

Sometimes brown is as close to white

As you can accept

And that’s not very close to white at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Two Lovely People

Two lovely people

My brother and new sister

Gorgeous souls

They are going to live together

They fell in love online

They fell in love through a camera

They fell in love while four thousand miles apart.

They have struggled to be together

They have done SO MUCH PAPERWORK

They have fought their way from the brink of madness

Battled loneliness, isolation, heartache

To find one another on opposite shores.

 

I am glad they are together

They can find a little quietude

They can be complete now

They fit together

They are going to take care of each other

Snuggle up

Take solace in each other’s eyes

And face the future

Hand in hand

Doubly strong

For the things they have conquered

For the things they will fight together

For the people that they make each other into

They will grow together.

They have so far to go.

They have come so far already.