Tag Archives: Humor

Bits and Pieces 2

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Below the blathering is another collection of little poems which didn’t make the cut as standalones, but which I liked too much to delete entirely.

I haven’t been the most reliable at posting this week! Without work as an anchor, my whole routine is thrown. I’m probably going to be sporadic for the rest of the month until all my vacation time is spent. I am doing my best to learn how to be reliable even when not working. So far this week I’m doing better than I did over my last vacation, when I just gave up on posting entirely. I consider this week’s three posts to be progress!

 

 

I wish

I wish

I wish I knew

What it is the good girls do.

 

 

 

I may not be much
But whatever I have
I have a lot of.

 

 

 

To find happiness

To find creativity

To fulfill my purpose

To work towards a goal

To improve

To relax

To be still

To accept

To deny

To take

To give

To have time for everyone

To use time efficiently

To be human

Push and pull

To be two

 

 

 

Hellscape

I’m just not feeling very dark today.

I hear a cricket

I see the pond at night

I feel the cool autumn air

I can breathe.

 

 

 

I want a lit cigarette

To take a drag

In drag

To bat my long false eyelashes

At some poor stud

And confuse the hell out of him

Until he doesn’t know

Which way his dick should be pointing.

 

 

 

I like the look of death

I want to lick death’s cheek.

But I’d miss

Because he has no cheeks.

 

 

 

Marble veined skin

Veins of marble

Skin of veins

Don’t kiss me

You

Are

Disgusting.

 

 

 

 

I am a planet

I drift

I follow the pull of gravity

I watch the worlds dance

I watch myself dance with them

Somehow we always miss each other

We never collide

Neither do we touch

 

 

 

My nose is clogged, my tonsils swole, and then

You tell me I should get back up again

I want to rest, my bed is safe and warm

But no one has the patience for my smarm

Get back to work, get up, get out, go on!

I hear you and I wish you weren’t born.

 

 

 

My only regret is,

If I take care of my health,

I may never have a prosthetic

With which to scare small children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling Large and Heavy

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I got to play on an obstacle course

I didn’t have courage for half of the things

And wasn’t physically capable of the other half

I felt very large and heavy

I think if there’d been more adults on it

I wouldn’t have felt so silly

And maybe would have tried harder

 

I urged my sister

“Climb the 10 foot warped wall, for women everywhere!”

She looked at me funny.

Wondering if I’d said something sexist,

I revised my statement

“I mean… just for me, right here.”

I wanted her to do it

(I’m certain she could)

Because I was incapable

And I’ve spent my life feeling athletic

Vicariously through her.

 

Feeling large

And barge-y

Stomping around on my giant feet

I have grace

For one my weight

But no one else here is like me

The kids are swift, slender elves

My sister is strong and light

She is bamboo

She is tendons veins gristle

She is elegant cheekbones and arched brows

And blessed melanin, actual eyelashes, tanning skin

She slips through anything

She climbs like a rat

She swings like a monkey

 

Here I sit, here I sit

Pores full of shit

Not fit

 

Just the same I tried to flip

And hit the trampoline

Like a thrown elephant.

WHAM!

A man quickly approaches me

“You did sign the waiver, right?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dos and Don’ts with Turkey

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This was written by my friend Liz and me when we were in 7th grade, so about 12 years old? We spent all day at school just passing stories back and forth and giggling insanely. I’m surprised we didn’t get into more trouble, really.

This was an early one so it’s extra random. We hadn’t honed our process yet… haha

 

 

 

 

The boy was killed.  Then Suzy came and buried him. Bob killed Suzy and a horse ate Bob.  The horse was the one who originally killed the Boy because he was eaten by a thawed-out turkey.

Does this make sense to you?

The horse killed the boy first, then was eaten by the thawed-out turkey.

Then Albert caned the turkey. Albert told the turkey as he caned him, “Don’t make friends!”

The turkey screamed.

Albert jumped back.  Did it just scream?  He was terrified!  Then… did its wing twitch?  What was going on?

Albert felt his heart pumping harder and faster.  He started breathing faster.

The turkey’s leg moved.  There was no mistaking.  This thawed-out turkey was still alive.  Albert’s cane slipped out of his sweaty palms.  It clattered on the ground.  He stared at the turkey.  He couldn’t move his eyes off of it to find his cane.  He started shaking.  Was he crazy?  Was this all a dream?  He turned to run away, but he felt a cold, clammy wing on his ankle.

 

Suzy came in the kitchen.  Where was Albert?  Oh, well.  She cooked the turkey for dinner.

She put the oven on 3,500°F and °C and after 3 hours the oven was on fire.

But the turkey was still alive.  It burst out of the oven.  It was flaming.  It ran toward Suzy. She screamed.

Grandma came in.  Where was Suzy?  Oh, well.  She cooked the turkey again.  Then her granddaughter ran in and said, “I love turkey!  Where did I come from?”  Grandma said, “You came from a Sears box with instructions on how to put you together.”  Then the turkey was gone.  It had run across the street and gotten hit by a car.

Sarah looks like a turkey.

The driver drove a new Mercury Villager.  He cleaned the guts off his car and drove away.

Sarah still looks like a turkey.

Liz looks like a buffalo.

Then the turkey was still alive.  It gobbled its way to its death at the dining room table.

Liz still looks like a buffalo.

Sarah stopped looking like a turkey.

The End

PS  Liz stopped looking like a buffalo.

James is now an unmentionable fat creature with tentacles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then Again, Maybe Not

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Writing about a friend…

 

 

I like the way

You coil in my bathtub

I like the way your smooth folds beckon

I like your scales

I like your pointed tail

I like your magma eyes

I like you

You are attractive

And I like what you are holding in your open palm

A gift for me.

Is that an apple?

Or is it

An awkward cousin crush?

 

 

 

IMG_20181128_083302660

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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