Aoudads are enormous, proud, and graceful animals.
The largest have sweeping beards from chest to hoof,
thick horns curling behind them,
and a critical goaty gaze
which sees you from its perch
high in the desert rocks
and seems to say, “what low thing
squints up at my grandeur?”
Their strength prevails in a climate
where lesser breeds wither.
Every image on the net
is one of these proud ruminant gods,
dwarfing a human at their side,
held aloft by the horns
by a smiling hunter.
Something there is about a god
which drives mankind to kill it.
We suffer nothing to live above us.
Notre Dame burned today.
I wasn’t as upset as I should have been.
Because history rises and falls
We make things, they fall apart
People will continue to create
Which in time will crumble too
Nothing can stand against
The inexorable pressure of time.
Eons weigh heavy
Days weigh light
We continue to try to measure ourselves
Using our brief little memories
Using our collective tools
Our hearts hands minds
Our clocks, calendars, history books
Our archeology, geology, cosmology
We measure and measure and measure
With little yardsticks laid out
Against the workings of the whole universe
Much too big for us
We work together
We stand on the shoulders of our ancestors
We actually think
We’re going somewhere
With our tiny rulers
Our steps on the moon
I am a sandy beach.
I am wetwater.
I am alive alive alive
And I don’t care who knows it.
I am flaming red hair and toothy grins and purring cats and silliness
I am a wonderful thing, a thing of veins and blood and bones and wild energy
I am eternal, agnostic, atheistic, apotheostic
Knuckling to the floor
Launching myself at the TV screen
Just an animal
High clear notes that pierce
Straight to the heart
Any listener might be deceived
Might think me a tremendous soul
Drawn in by my siren song
Cold crayfish and starfish and seahorses
Canned potatoes and processed cheese
Are not enough to feed a siren.
I need someone with meat and red living flesh
I need something that kicks.
I need you.
I can taste your skin
Sweet salt sweat
I can taste your fear
Like stainless steel
I can taste your groan
It ripples down my throat.
I Iive for this,
Your exquisite death.
Wild horses wander
And toss their tangled manes
Outside the Tesla Gigafactory.
One of the largest buildings in the world
Housing the highest technology
A windowless plain white rectangle
Capped with solar panels
Built to withstand earthquakes
Facing down desert heat
A testament to human ingenuity and engineering.
Those who look upon it feel a swell of awe.
This could get us out of the hole
Into which we have dug ourselves.
1.9 million square feet
Of hope for the future.
Birds pass over it as they glide miles
Lizards squeeze shut their eyes, soaking in sun
While horses step slowly forward, nosing the scrubby grass
Immune to the magnificence
Seated at the edge of the wide Nevada desert.
Please note this was written on Sunday. I’m fine now… heh.
It’s coming around again
Pulling me down into the sludge
Remember me, it hisses.
You nearly forgot me.
You thought I was gone didn’t you.
No, it’s never gone.
But I will never succumb to something so vile.
I am stronger than this thing
That lives in my brain.
I am stronger than anything
That might take up residence there.
On my terms.
I will not let it have me.
I have it
I can weather this storm.
I’ve weathered worse.
I’ll probably have to weather worse again.
It’s just another day
And all I really have to worry about
Is the next step.
Don’t let the inertia pull you down.
Go for a run.
Try some chocolate.
Get up, go to the bathroom.
It’s not hard
But my god
It’s so hard.
Don’t hurt yourself.
Don’t kill yourself.
You are not at fault.
Write, write, write, write, write.
Go for a run.
It’s okay to order in.
It’s not that hard.
It’s so hard.
But it’s not hard.
Just focus on the next step.
All day I dream of sleeping
All night I dream of sleeping.
Everything is in black and gray.
Don’t cut yourself.
Don’t swerve the car into traffic.
Don’t follow that mental path.
It’s not about willpower
It’s just about impulse control.
We can do this.
We got this shit in the bag.
It might only last a day
If you’re lucky.
If you run.
If you make dinner.
If you get up and go to work.
If you don’t hurt yourself.
If you get some sleep.
If you take a shower.
Don’t count the time.
Every second is a year.
Just focus on
Doing the laundry.
Feeding the cat
Getting the groceries.
You can do this.
You can do this.