Tag Archives: Dark humor

Roach Sonnet

 

This stemmed from a conversation me and my friends had in a group text.

I am blessed to have the most interesting and creative friends, and our conversations are always something else.

Cowdog Creatives (Hannah) took this picture and sent it to our text group, saying how dramatically it died in the last ray of sunlight.

 

 

Another friend said it looked like an Italian opera singer, declaring in song his long-unspoken love to the fair Limoncello with his final breath.

I can’t write opera, but I can write melodramatic sonnets, so I had to join in poking fun at this roach’s dramatic death.

It’s OK to cry.

 


 

Fair Lemoncello, golden wings and thighs

No weeping from those scintillating eyes.

I am content that you have heard me speak;

No grief should mar the shine upon that cheek.

 

What warmth is this that causes my love worry?

A ray of sunlight, yet I cannot scurry.

It lays bare all my tender love for thee.

There is no fear where Lemoncello be.

 

There’s nothing more to say. My soul is clear.

I cannot stay, my insect queen, to hear

Thy chirped response; angelic though you be

A darker angel draws now near to me.

 

I do not mind death’s amply lit approach.

Today this nymph developed into roach.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

The Thing in my Throat

 

I want this thing in my throat

To grow legs and crawl out of me

I want it to wander the world

And learn wisdom

I want it to ponder the mysteries of the universe

I want it to talk with sages

About God and the meaning of life.

I want it to meet lots of other things with legs.

I want it to go on a shonen training arc.

I want it to come home to me

Wiser, stronger

Fierce brave and bold

I want to see its journeys in its demeanor

I want to be proud of it

Right down to my bones

And I can call it my son

And it will know I am its mother

And then

I can wrap it in a tissue

And flush it down the toilet

But only

After it’s lived a full, full life.

I hope one day

To raise the thing that will best me.

But until that day

This stupid shit will keep happening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

The Visitors

 

I opened the window long before sunrise. Then I walked through the whole house, looking for anything that they might use against me in the light. A piece of hard candy on the floor could be a fatal mistake.

I had to placate them.

Even though I hadn’t told them anything, my children were on edge. They knew something was wrong. Kids are good at reading their parents.

A small sound in the hallway made me jump. But it was only my youngest daughter, in her footie pajamas, her face screwed up in childish misery.

“Mommy,” she said. “What is that smell?”

“Quiet, baby. It’s just the Visitors. Go back to sleep. I love you.” I held her close so she wouldn’t see my tears. I love you.

By the time she went back to sleep, the daylight was upon us in full force. I hadn’t begun the sacrifice. I hadn’t done enough. It didn’t matter; no matter how much I did, it was never enough.

I hurried to the kitchen and got out the eggs, the bacon, the butter for the sacrifice. They must be appeased.

A fatty thumping on the stairs.

Oh my god oh my god.

And there in the kitchen archway stood a harbinger of the apocalypse, my mother in law, cigarette in hand. She wore a puffy pink robe, which had fallen open, exposing her grotesque choices in underwear and in self-care.

“Where’s breakfast,” she snarled.

The other one would be down any minute. Soon our home would become a hellscape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

Garlic breath

 

“Kiss me,” she said.

He wasn’t sure. He could smell the garlic from here, and it wasn’t pretty.

“I have an idea,” he said, leaning away. “How about we whip up some mint milkshakes?” It was a good idea, but she wasn’t biting.

“I’m fuuuuuull,” she pouted. The garlic rolled by him as she whined the word, an invisible tsunami that hit him with nearly physical force. It was all he could do to keep himself upright.

“I can’t,” he murmured. “I just can’t.”

“What?”

“I SAID I CAN’T,” he cried out desperately. “I’m sorry! You’re just too garlicky!”

Her warm, cozy expression shattered. “What?”

“I’m so sorry! I can’t be in this room with you any more!”

He ran like the hounds of hell were after him, burst out the door, stumbled down the stairs, and zoomed away in his car.

She leaned back in the couch, nonplussed. She never got a reaction like that from a man. Garlic odor? What an odd way for his fears to manifest.

She grabbed her phone and sent a group text to her coven.

Sorry gals. He was a sensitive, sensed something wrong and ran. I’ll get us a fresh one tomorrow night, I promise.

 

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