Category Archives: Stuff I’m proud of

Elegy for Mom

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My sister said I should post this. I wrote it right after Mom died. She suffered from mental illness for most of my life, and passed away from complications due to Huntington’s disease.

 

 

 

 

Mom–

You were my idol

You were a voodoo queen

An earth goddess

A diva

A madwoman

A sophisticate

A saint

Always with a touch of the divine

Though everything you said was unreal

You never lied

You were fragile

And strong

And so much a part of me.

I used to envy the kids who had normal moms

Even the adults who complained about their aging parents

But these days I know better.

You taught me how to wear my crazy well

You were a fast friend

And a devoted parent through the last moment of your life

Often you were

So much more than human.

I battle myself not to be like you

I push myself to be more like you

You were a dark enigma

Yet transparent as light

Gentle yet terrifying

When you lived I couldn’t handle the pain of your existence

Now that you’ve died I find the absence hard to bear.

I once thought I took more care of you than you did of me

But today I understand what you sacrificed to protect your children.

Your laugh echoes in my empty heart

Your spirit derails me still

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another one for Mom

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Mom

Was it four years ago

Only four

When you were in the kitchen, insisting on helping with the dishes

You took so long

Running the disposal dry for minutes at a time.

 

Was it three years ago

Only three

In the cold, you in your green trenchcoat and walker

And I took you to a Chinese restaurant

For your latest obsession, orange chicken.

You hugged the waitress and told her you loved her.

 

Was it two years ago

Only two

When I was feeding you ice cream in bed

Sugar free, but we didn’t tell you that.

You ate it all, every time if I let you.

You told us you weren’t sick.

 

Was it one year ago

Only one?

We’d asked you if you were done with meds

And you nodded an emphatic yes

One of the last things you said.

We held your blue fingers

And watched you fade.

 

I miss you

I miss you

I hated to see you suffer

I was glad you got to go

But I still miss you.

Days go by

I’ve made new friends

I’ve found new joys

I am blossoming in new ways

You would be proud

You were always proud.

I haven’t missed out on anything

But I miss so much.

 

You were always easy to talk to

You knew things

I bet everything I have uncovered for myself

You already knew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Song of My People

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I sing a song of white privilege

A song of sunscreen and tomato sandwiches

A song of diet Cokes and Virginia Slims

I sing a song of chocolate chip cookies baked at midnight

Of Hershey’s nuggets

And meat with dinner every night

Of running down gravel roads, falling, and picking tiny rocks out of bloody palms

A song of homeschooling with a stay at home mom

Of please, and thank you, and Dear Lord

Of sit up straight

Of VHS tapes and shareware DOS games

Of Vivaldi and King James

Of Laurel and Hardy, and Scarface

Of Taily Bone on cassette, and Grimm’s Fairy Tales in hardback

Books and books and books and books

Wading the cold creek barefoot, the rocks don’t hurt after your feet go numb

Catching fireflies in the yard at dusk

More books, late into the night

Whoa, your dad’s house is huge! Are you rich?

Of exploring the woods

Dog bounding ahead, cats padding behind

My own secret church in a fallen tree

When I marvelled at life and wondered what I was,

A song with a touch of existential crisis

And even then

A nagging sense of guilt

 

 

 

Lady Chaos

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lady chaos

give me your blessing

i will switch sides

join, break, create, destroy, live, die, i will become you

lady chaos

you are already within me

my heart is black and red by turns

i cannot be everything at once

but i am anyway

warm human blood threads my veins

and icewater

i am primed with your changeable ichor

pump me up, let me loose, see what havoc i wreak

 

men with their puny plans

trying to set order

nothing tempts her like security

she eats empires, grinding even the ruins back down into shapelessness

she tosses fortunes to beggars

our lives hinge upon her whim

 

you throw me down

build me up

and when you are done with me

cast me aside

i know you’ll return

you always return

 

i carry her wishes           

(i hear her laughing)

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