How cold is it?


It’s so cold outside.

“How cold is it?”

It’s so cold, I couldn’t go for a run, or even a walk, without turning right around and going back inside.

It’s so cold it was not a one-pants, not a two-pants, but a three-pants day.

It’s so cold that my house window was iced shut.

It’s so cold that Cowdog Creatives’ car refused to open its door and afford me shelter. 

It’s so cold that I could lean my weight against the bitter wind and lose my eyesight at the very same time.

It’s so cold that if I opened my mouth to talk, the wind on my teeth felt like biting ice cream.

It’s so cold that work sent an email blast giving us tips on how to dress warm. Apparently layering is key?? Do I wear my waterproof jacket on the inside or the outside layer? Are gloves a good idea? Still confused on how to dress warm, need more help.


And it’s just. Getting. Colder.


When I was a kid, I loved the cold. I was just brimming with vitality, and layered with brown fat, a little living toaster. I always warmed my friends’ hands for them. My resistance to cold was a point of pride. But I’m just getting older and wimpier with each passing day. I prefer bed to everything. Bed is warmest. If I must leave the house, you’d better believe I’ll be wearing my hat and scarf and gloves and several outfits.

I blame the cats. They sleep on my feet every night and keep me warm, thus raising my heat threshold. In the words of every old man I’ve read about but never met, I’m gettin’ soft. Need to start sleeping on the floor, it’s good for the back.

Oh God I just aged again didn’t I?? It happens when you stop paying attention!

I tell Cowdog Creatives that we must never let errant gas escape us without the other calling us out on it. I don’t want belches and farts to stop being funny. I don’t mind the wrinkles and I really don’t mind the cold but please, don’t let the farts stop being funny.















  • the cold is on its way here. i’m worried about my newborn lambs as it is supposed to be 20 below for the next two nights 😦 but i do remember when i was younger & lived in iowa & would walk to work in 40 below wind chill. where you knew not to cry because tears & snot would instantly freeze. so no drama in the polar vortex.
    also! we always say two-pants, too. haha! got your two-pants on?
    i’m almost 50 (what???) and farts are still funny.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh no, poor little lambs! Guess you’ll have to put them in your bed for the next two nights. Cuuute.
      Walking to work in a 40-below wind chill sounds terrifying. I know Missouri’s not the coldest place to be, but what we have is plenty cold enough for me to get my winter fix.
      You bet I have my two-pants on! Haha, that’s funny, my friend said it and I think she made it up. It’s cool how different people come up with the same thing… it’s like when those two guys invented calculus at the same time, except much sillier.
      Thank god farts are still funny! There’s hope for the future then!

      Liked by 2 people

  • Sarah,
    Brrr. I’m cold here in 53 degree weather just thinking about you. It’s supposed to be in the mid 70’s this weekend! Come on down and bring Emje and her cute lambs! Bwahaahaa! Sound advice: Beans. Eat lots of pinto beans. Do not use Beano or anything that will diffuse their magic. That is the key. They provide everything you asked for in the above! Also, use gloves. Plus, beans are good for your aging heart! Hugs, laughter and warm sunshine, Mona

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, my aging heart demands beans! My aging psyche also demands beans!
      Today is our big scary -5 day. I’m going to blow bubbles on my lunch hour, see how that goes.
      Yay! You and me and Emje and the lambs! I want to meet and hug all the blog people. It kind of makes me crazy that I can’t hug them. But I’m SO FARTY from all these goddamn anti-aging beans that they might not enjoy it. Beauty is stank.

      Liked by 1 person

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