How I get through meetings
I wrote this last year during my first meeting/welcome party at my job. I still find it entertaining.
what an awkward meeting
everyone’s staring at each other
nobody has jack shit to say
all of these people will be dead in fifty years
unless there’s a war
or global warming
then all of these people will be dead in less than fifty years
and everyone would come to their meetings with haunted eyes
but I doubt that will happen
because the university will shut down
and in the case of a nuclear apocalypse
that will be
the only blessing
Two worlds blew up in the future and I
I chose the one without the university
and that has made all the difference
I feel like we’re gonna be here a long time because we want to justify all the planning and partying we’ve done to be here
every welcome party
makes me feel more isolated
and hate myself more
why is that I wonder
all this attention on me
and me, not being the right kind of person to accept it healthily
now we’re talking about pies
and everyone is a LOT more comfortable
people are cute
now we’re awkward again
we’ve exhausted the topic of pies
Now we’re talking about baseball
and John has taken over the conversation
everyone seems a bit relieved and just a slight tad antsy
but mostly relieved that we don’t have to look at each other
conclusion: not a lot of extroverts in this group
Somebody let a monster into the room.
“GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE!” Melissa screamed. It looked at us all with beady bloodshot eyes, its fangs dripped, its short nude body all unnatural veins and floppy genitals and lumpy musculature. It heaved with each breath and flitted its eyes around the room as if looking for something.
Everyone rolled their their chairs away from it instinctively.
The creature started towards Melissa, the closest, who got up and backed into the table. She grabbed the nearest weapon, a coaster, and threw it at the monster. It bounced off the monster’s head with a stony PLUNK noise and then hit Kirk.
The creature menaced towards her. It grabbed her with one meaty hand and bared its fangs. She screamed hysterically as it sank its teeth into her shoulder.
John, who had the most PTSD, was the quickest to react. He grabbed his thermos and beat the creature over the head. The creature flinched several times but didn’t back down.
Stacey ran out for help. Erin leaped on the creature, trying to pull it off of Melissa. I grabbed a pen and stabbed the creature repeatedly in the shoulder and back. The pen broke.
And that’s when Hannah hulked out. “NOT AGAIN!” she screamed. “Goddammit not again! You bastard!” She flipped the ten foot conference table, leaped upon the monster, and caved in its skull with one punch. The creature twitched and died. Blood pooled. Melissa shakily extracted herself from underneath the body.
“Whew, you guys have interesting meetings,” I said lamely.
Awkward silence reigned once more.