A Little Sad
When I promised honesty, that wasn’t so much for you as it was a promise to myself. Every single thing I post is a little bit scary to put out there, whether it’s silly, or straightforward, or sad. I’m not sure why I’m being so strict with myself. Well, yes I do. I know that it’s good for me, and I know that writing is missing something when it is written by a person who won’t let you see past their walls. Posting about being sad is the hardest though. Vulnerability… Just the word makes me cringe. It’s so gooey sounding.
It’s easy to write a poem
When you feel something.
When passion rises
Words are cheap.
But when you’re sad
Every word has to battle its way to the surface.
I have nothing to be sad about.
All my needs are met.
I have people whom I love
And who love me.
I have access to all the chocolate I can eat
And the freedom and funds to do so.
I even have the Tao; something I can believe in.
I let go of resentment and guilt.
Yet still
Still there are days
When I am sad
And I can’t
Pin down
Why.
My sister doesn’t get sad.
She told me so.
There are people like that in the world.
There are also people in shitty situations
Who have so much trouble they don’t have time to be sad.
Maybe I’m not being true to myself somehow
Maybe I’ve inherited something
Maybe the happy people are the anomalies
And to be sad is merely human.
Maybe it’s in our nature to strive for more
No matter how much we have.
Maybe I’ll go to sleep
And tomorrow morning
Everything will be rosy again
As it so often is.
For me, the morning really does bring light.
It’s gotten better with age.
I’ve learned coping mechanisms
I’ve learned to express myself
I’ve learned to get exercise.
All these things make a difference.
But I guess there are some things
You can’t completely rub out.
Everything leaves scars.
Fresh Hell 
I love this one, Sarah. Actually, I get sad sometimes too. When I’m not busy enough or at night time. Lately during a perfect moment I’ll feel sadness or regret for not having four kids. Maybe I’ve always had the sadness the fourth kid thing is the scapegoat for my sadness. Or maybe everyone gets a little sad sometimes because it’s human nature. My friend will get sad too. She doesn’t know why but she thinks it’s because she moved away from her family and misses them. It’s almost like people are still “in the closet” with their sadness but maybe if we started admitting it to each other more we wouldn’t feel guilty about it. Then we could just chalk it up to human nature and move on.
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Oh. I’d remembered describing the chalky pale world of a minor depressive episode to you, and you were fascinated and confused.
This time it was just a couple of days though, and nowhere near the worst I’ve had. Maybe I’ve reduced my blues to the level of normal human crazy then.
It was definitely hard to share! I wonder why? I think because I worry that people will worry about me. How redundant is that.
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I love you both ❤
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We both love you! Let’s all go get some Taco Bell and see if it helps
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