Fresh Hell

My friend Chad suggested I write a post about my business strategy. Since I do everything anybody tells me, here goes:

• Do everything anybody tells you.
• Develop a mission statement. Use as much vague terminology as possible to prevent locking yourself into any kind of forward development.
• Use lots of stock photos. This really ups your online presence.
• Turn off your brain while working to get more done. This ruins your quality output but quantity is what really matters in a capitalistic society, after all.
• Forms, forms for everything! If a form isn’t specific enough, make another form. Place them in difficult-to-find locations on your site and demand that the proper one be submitted.
• Prioritize. Neglect the things that can be neglected, and address the ones that are urgent. By doing this, you ensure that, by the time you address each issue, each client is equally pissed off.
• Change tech frequently and for superficial reasons. Maintain all the old tech because there is always a singular situation in which its particular features might come in handy.
• For the love of God, use sun protection you cursed ginger freak. Swim fully clothed. It is better to swim and sink than never to swim at all.
• Apologize frequently if you want to survive. Everyone knows that everything is your fault. This isn’t just paranoia on your part.

Any more bullet points than this would just be ridiculous.

I don’t have an image to go along with this one, so I’ll give you an unrelated one from the archives:

There you have it! Ten years of office experience in a nutshell. Chad, are you happy. ARE YOU HAPPY CHAD.

Incidentally, Chad has some blogs and books all his own. Allow me this plug, as he’s always been kind to me:

https://www.blogger.com/profile/08852674870506731426

He has a dark sense of humor and an extraordinary working vocabulary and some kind of potato fixation which I haven’t quite figured out yet. He taught me everything I know about poetry, which I promptly unlearned. I wish you luck if you go into the viewing gallery of this man’s mind. You’re going to need it.