Tag Archives: Repressed

Journal – The Girl with no Fear

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Here’s a funny thing about myself. I always have majorly overblown confidence about a thing until I’m halfway into it.

“I’m not afraid of people. I love talking to people! I can face down a crowd.” Then I blithely stand up to tell a story about a coworker at a small friendly retirement party. I am shocked when, halfway through, my hands are shaking hard. I have to breathe and calm down but my punchline falters a bit. Am I afraid of public speaking? Looking back to when I did theatre in college, it was the same: one hundred percent confidence followed by shakes on stage.

“I like rock climbing! I like nature! I’m gonna sign up for this little class and learn the knots and then I can hang (get it?) with my rock-climbing big brother and sister.” I take the class, start climbing the first little practice tower, and hit critical mass. I am shaking so hard I don’t trust myself to climb any higher. My hands have locked down on the rock climbing nubbins. “I forgot I’m afraid of heights!” I call back to my bemused classmates from a whopping ten feet high.

I got to meet a new friend on videochat recently. No fear there. Slept like a baby. Excited, happy puppy enthusiasm. “Yay, a new person to love!!” We talked, and she was awesome, and the conversation was easy, and everything was fine as long as I didn’t get distracted by my own reflected strangerface and lose track of the conversation.

After I hung up, I started making some oatmeal. As I stirred the pot I thought, “Where is that quiet screaming coming from? It’s getting louder. Oh, right! My own head.” After some puzzling I figured out that it was latent anxious adrenaline rush from meeting her. DID SHE LIKE ME WAS I STUPID DID I HURT HER FEELINGS???

 

Anyway, I thought it was just a funny character trait, but now that I’ve written it down, I see it’s my old friend Emotional Repression popping up. Hello again. Let’s never talk.

I have definitely gotten better, but digging my emotional core free is a slow, slow process. Sometimes Repression pops up and bites me in the ass, just like old times. It bites less than before, but it still bites.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journal – Sick kitty and pasta

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I had a rough day today. Kato kitty is sick. I took him to the vet and he has bladder stones! Poor kitty. She gave me meds and special food to hopefully break them up. When I got home, I was all stressed out by the cats being stressed out, and Don started asking me a lot of hard questions about the decisions I’d made, and I was like, wait a minute, why didn’t you go with me? FROM NOW ON you go with me to the vet.

Then I got extra tired and needed a nap, as I will do when I’m stressed. When I woke up, the concept of giving the kitties separate foods and giving Kato antibiotics every day for a while wasn’t unapproachable at all. Everything was fine and I was capable again. We administered the drugs without any trouble, and Kato likes his new food.

I used to be repressed, to the point where I didn’t have feelings about much and didn’t know what I wanted. I’m much better now, but still have some room to grow. I am a little startled by how upset I got over Kato’s sickness. This is a good thing for me, though. Since I’ve gotten in touch with my emotions, I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with something horrible like a pet dying. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I’ll throw a big fit. I threw a small fit today. Don was alarmed, lol.

Here was a nice thing about today: a Brioche Burger Bun with Butter and Blueberries. I like to do this instead of jam. It feels healthier and has a nice fresh flavor.

I also had homemade pasta with seafood and sausage, but it’s two days old, and for some reason, it tasted 100% like Spaghetti-o’s. There was a lot of love in that pasta, I made it for my dad and brother’s birthday, spent over $30 and four hours on that meal, Jessica’s kids and I made the pasta by hand, and it turned into frigging spaghetti-o’s? What kind of a world do we live in where injustices like this can happen?? At least I know it’s more nutritious but I still have to make my way through another serving. It’s a little bit funny though. Maybe if I warm it up right next time it won’t be so bad.

Well, that’s all the guts I have to spill.

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