Sei Shonagon

I wrote this when I was reading The Pillow Book, a diary by Sei Shonagon. The Heian period (c. 800-1200 AD) is so weird, if you like history you should definitely look into it. A Heian lady actually wrote what is regarded as the first novel. They lived for poetry, and the only topic worth pursuing (aside from court gossip) was the beauty of nature.


Lady Murasaki writing, not Sei Shonagon at all

A woman

Sits at her writing desk

All grace and brightly layered robes.

Her hair is not like yours.

Her skin is thick with powder.

Her worries curve in a direction you cannot follow.

Even her moon is too new.

But while she watches this moon

White round face upturned

A small reflection of its object

Briefly

Her heart is your heart.

A Quick Death

This is the only thing I wrote this weekend. Add it to the list of things I didn’t want to post. I don’t know why!

 


 

“I don’t want to,” he said.

“Do it,” she said. “You’ve got to get over your fears.”

He was trembling.

“Cast it at that woman over there.”

“But she hasn’t–”

“Do it! Prove you’re a man.”

The woman was reading a book in an isolated section of the great library. She was well dressed, wore glasses, had her hair pinned back in a clean bun. She had gotten caught up in a book and was standing up reading it. She looked nice.

The boy pointed his finger lamely in her direction. A gust of wind blew past her and she leaned into it, unconsciously enjoying the breeze.

Teacher glared down at him. “I am disappointed in you,” she said. “Now you’re going to have to watch her receive a worse death at my hands. This is your punishment.”

“Oh, please no,” the boy said.

She opened a chasm beneath the woman’s feet, and the woman dropped. She was too surprised to even scream. Nobody saw it happen. The chasm closed up just as quickly as it had appeared. Had she broken a leg in the drop?

“Come on,” his teacher said. “We’ve got work to do down there.”

Her own warm hand took his, gently. They phased to the dungeon at the bottom of the chasm.

“I’ll give you one more chance to try it yourself,” she said.

The girl was panting, sitting up on the floor in an uneventful position, one leg drawn up toward herself. She couldn’t see in the dark, but she could hear voices. She had been hurt in the drop after all, though the boy couldn’t tell where.

He had to do it. He had to be quick and merciful. Or else Teacher… who knows what she would do to the girl to prove her point and punish him.

A quick, merciful death. He took a deep breath. Sharp and quick, like a band aid. He moved his whole hand in a crisp motion, with assurance.

The girl’s head detached cleanly. It fell to her side. The body fell forward onto her knees and remained propped upright.

“Good,” Teacher said. “This is what it means to be a Reaper. Do you understand?”

The boy nodded, tears in his eyes.

“You gave her a good death,” Teacher said. “You’ve got to be proud. This is the best we can do for them.”

Having Fun Yet?

I never realized how precious I was being about my writing
Until I started posting it.
I find myself thinking stupid stuff:
“If I post this, I can’t get it published.”
As if that’s something I’m likely to do
“If I post this, I can never use this idea again.”
Dear god, ideas are cheap
And recyclable.
“They won’t like this one.”
They’re free to react as they please
I’ll survive it.

They’re just excuses to be fearful.
Hiding your writing is no fun
Just like hiding your drawings is no fun.
And it should be fun
If it’s not fun
Then why the hell are you doing it?

Lately I’ve been working on finding the fun
In my art, in my writings
If I’m not having fun, I’m blocked.
The blog has also taught me that if I am having fun
I get better without even realizing it.
But I love saddling my fun carefree creations
With heavy responsibility
Like a disappointed parent
I crush them before they’re even formed
With the things that I hope they will do for me.

Mushrooms

I woke up and there was one.

It was next to my computer. The orange phosphorescence was very pale, almost impossible to notice. At first I had thought the orange glow was from an indicator light.

I sat up and looked at it. Why did that grow in here? I’m pretty tidy. This wasn’t the kind of room where mushrooms were likely to sprout.

I got up, walked over, and crouched down to examine it at eye level. Yes, it definitely had a subtle but distinctive glow. The stem was thick; the cap was a flat, whorled. The edge of the cap had planty fingers all the way around, like an anemone. My desk was smooth laminate, so there wasn’t much room for the roots of the mushroom to take hold, if there were any roots. The mushroom just went straight down and ended, as if it had been balanced there.

I could have plucked it. But it was interesting. How had it gotten here? What did it mean?

So, after examining it from all angles, I went back to bed.

In the morning, it was gone. I couldn’t figure out whether it had been a dream or not.

Today was Saturday, so I spent my time at home I took out the trash. I washed my clothes. I vacuumed. I lifted some free weights. I stayed up late watching movies. I drifted off.

 

I woke up and there were six.

The TV was still on, but the movie had ended and a screen saver was up. In the blue electronic light, the mushrooms were clearly visible. They had sprouted up on the carpet, on the corner of the entertainment center. There was one beside me on the couch. Maybe I needed to clean more.

I grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, and then I saw the orange glow again.

They were beautiful. I’d never seen mushrooms like that before. The endless universe of lobes and circles and folds on the cap. The little light gray gills on the bottom. The strong stem. The curious way they cut right into the floor. In no way did they conform to what mushrooms were supposed to be, but I couldn’t quantify exactly what was different.

I could have plucked them. But I hated to do it; they were like little markers of what was wrong, of exactly where I needed to clean. Instead I took a picture and texted it to my plant-loving brother.

Can you identify this mushroom? I asked.

It was 3 AM, so I went back to sleep. He would find it in the morning.

 

When I woke up the next day, they were gone. But I knew it hadn’t been a dream. I still had the picture in my phone as proof.

My brother had texted me back. I’m not sure.

Another popped up right behind it. How are you doing lately? It’s been a while. Have you talked to mom?

I deleted the texts. He couldn’t dictate my relationships with others.

It was Sunday. I folded my laundry. I vacuumed. I dusted. I wiped down the counters. I cleaned the windows.  I shaved my head. I played video games. I drifted off.

 

I woke up and there were forty-two.

I counted each one over and over. Forty-two. This was really interesting. I know that I had cleaned this carpet. Tomorrow I’ll have to go over it again more thoroughly.

I could have plucked them. But I was grateful to them. Watching movies in their company had a surreal effect. The whole room was given a soft orange glow. It was fun.

 

That morning, I woke up to a missed call from my brother. My mom also texted me, but I didn’t open it to read it. Fuck ‘em.

I stood up and felt a little dizzy, so I had a big glass of water for breakfast, then washed the glass. Of course the mushrooms were gone; it was daylight. But sometimes, I could almost see them out of the corners of my eyes.

The phone rang. It was work. I didn’t answer.

I took a shower. When I got out, I noticed that the mushrooms were visible in the shadowy places of my room. If I covered the windows, maybe I could see them more clearly.

Yes. Pulling the drapes let the dark in and revealed the state of the room. There were so many, so many. They filled the room, grew out of the walls. They had spread into the bathroom, the kitchen. They were in my cabinets.

The light hid things. This was truth.

The phone rang. It was my brother again. I didn’t answer.

I know how this goes. This is what always happens. Mom will turn up and start knocking on the door. They don’t want me to know the truth. They don’t want me to see these things, these beautiful things. I’ll lock the door. I’ll pretend I”m not home. I won’t let them pull me out into the light. Not this time. Every mushroom is an arrow to a flaw. I’ll clean underneath each one.

I vacuumed the couch. I shook out the rugs. I tweezed my eyelashes. I scrubbed the tile.

Better Days

I don’t have any writing to post today. I wrote a short short story, but it stunk. Now I’m rewriting it slightly longer, and it’s taking an actual time investment. You guys should be proud of me, putting in effort. I’m so damn lazy.

This was my only creative effort worth posting. Since this meets my quality standards, you’ll believe me when I tell you the story I wrote was bad.

Oh my gosh, I just spent hours learning how to use apps and enduring all manner of technical difficulties for this video. The truly lazy understand that two hours of tech navigation is easier than taking five minutes to rerecord something. I could have written an enjoyable story or poem in all that time…

…but you’re still stuck with the stupid cat song.

 

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