Author Archives: Sarah

Wonderland

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This one was almost too random to share (I have a lot of poems tucked away that are too random to share) but I kind of liked it so, brace yourself, because here it is. It’s got the rhythm of a slam poem.

 

 

There are
Gaps
In reality
Starting to fall through the
Cracks
In reality
And I can feel the changes coming
This wonderland
Hasn’t got wonder
Just sand
There are monsters here
Things looking queer
An animal drinking a beer
An over involved
Underevolved
Barrister hamster
Marry me sir
I have to see
What this land can do to me
I want to live
Outside
Of this headfuck
We can do it together
Together you can pull me
From this
Alternate reality
Life isn’t supposed to be
A sleeper city
With sleeper people
We need release
We need to be free
Please
Jesus
Sees us
But he won’t believe in us
When we ask him to help
He cries a single tear
And walks away
This hurts me more than it hurts you, he says
And we bleed
We bleed bleed bleed
We planted a seed
And it’s come to fruition
It’s perdition
Retribution
Karmic condition
This is our reality now
We contrived it
Now we have to
Survive it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the drawing tablet helps part 2

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The Hinoeuma asked me to feed the woman in this picture some cookies. I understand the sometimes overwhelming need to feed someone cookies, so I obliged on her behalf.

 

IMG_20190304_154936322

 

The woman is still disturbed, but now she’s kind of having mixed feelings, and at least it got her to sit down away from that eternally swirling sink. I’ll make sure she gets fed well from now on. I’m sure that enough cookies will fix her, given time.

❤

Oh my gosh you guys, this took like four minutes to draw.  I get so tangled up when I try to draw digitally. I spent like an hour on the earlier image, which pretty much has the same amount of detail. SiGh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journal – Jacking trades up

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I am afraid of work. I am afraid of art. I am afraid of failure. I am tired of being hurt by my own inadequacies.
I suck. I have to be fine with this. The only solution is to remain in motion.
Jack of all trades master of none
This is me
But when I dedicate ten years to something
I still cannot master it
I begin to wonder why I came
And why I haven’t left yet

It’s easier to jack trades up
Than it is to master them
A master never actually masters his craft
A master only ever gets good
If you want to lead your field you must dedicate everything
Sacrifice everything
And risk still being outdone by somebody
With easy natural talent
Who is fifteen years old.
Leonardo da Vinci bemoaned his lack of knowledge
On his deathbed he faulted himself
For never having learned it all.
He was a perfectionist
He is the standard for half a millennia
And will be for another millennia more
But even he
Was dissatisfied.
Why do we push ourselves
When there is nothing at the top?
Waiting for us is emptiness
The goal is a hollow point
So what is this drive
This need
This greed
I want to kill it
I want to feed it.
So I fight myself fighting it
And get
Nowhere
On either front.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journal – The Girl with no Fear

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Here’s a funny thing about myself. I always have majorly overblown confidence about a thing until I’m halfway into it.

“I’m not afraid of people. I love talking to people! I can face down a crowd.” Then I blithely stand up to tell a story about a coworker at a small friendly retirement party. I am shocked when, halfway through, my hands are shaking hard. I have to breathe and calm down but my punchline falters a bit. Am I afraid of public speaking? Looking back to when I did theatre in college, it was the same: one hundred percent confidence followed by shakes on stage.

“I like rock climbing! I like nature! I’m gonna sign up for this little class and learn the knots and then I can hang (get it?) with my rock-climbing big brother and sister.” I take the class, start climbing the first little practice tower, and hit critical mass. I am shaking so hard I don’t trust myself to climb any higher. My hands have locked down on the rock climbing nubbins. “I forgot I’m afraid of heights!” I call back to my bemused classmates from a whopping ten feet high.

I got to meet a new friend on videochat recently. No fear there. Slept like a baby. Excited, happy puppy enthusiasm. “Yay, a new person to love!!” We talked, and she was awesome, and the conversation was easy, and everything was fine as long as I didn’t get distracted by my own reflected strangerface and lose track of the conversation.

After I hung up, I started making some oatmeal. As I stirred the pot I thought, “Where is that quiet screaming coming from? It’s getting louder. Oh, right! My own head.” After some puzzling I figured out that it was latent anxious adrenaline rush from meeting her. DID SHE LIKE ME WAS I STUPID DID I HURT HER FEELINGS???

 

Anyway, I thought it was just a funny character trait, but now that I’ve written it down, I see it’s my old friend Emotional Repression popping up. Hello again. Let’s never talk.

I have definitely gotten better, but digging my emotional core free is a slow, slow process. Sometimes Repression pops up and bites me in the ass, just like old times. It bites less than before, but it still bites.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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