Journal – The Girl with no Fear

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Here’s a funny thing about myself. I always have majorly overblown confidence about a thing until I’m halfway into it.

“I’m not afraid of people. I love talking to people! I can face down a crowd.” Then I blithely stand up to tell a story about a coworker at a small friendly retirement party. I am shocked when, halfway through, my hands are shaking hard. I have to breathe and calm down but my punchline falters a bit. Am I afraid of public speaking? Looking back to when I did theatre in college, it was the same: one hundred percent confidence followed by shakes on stage.

“I like rock climbing! I like nature! I’m gonna sign up for this little class and learn the knots and then I can hang (get it?) with my rock-climbing big brother and sister.” I take the class, start climbing the first little practice tower, and hit critical mass. I am shaking so hard I don’t trust myself to climb any higher. My hands have locked down on the rock climbing nubbins. “I forgot I’m afraid of heights!” I call back to my bemused classmates from a whopping ten feet high.

I got to meet a new friend on videochat recently. No fear there. Slept like a baby. Excited, happy puppy enthusiasm. “Yay, a new person to love!!” We talked, and she was awesome, and the conversation was easy, and everything was fine as long as I didn’t get distracted by my own reflected strangerface and lose track of the conversation.

After I hung up, I started making some oatmeal. As I stirred the pot I thought, “Where is that quiet screaming coming from? It’s getting louder. Oh, right! My own head.” After some puzzling I figured out that it was latent anxious adrenaline rush from meeting her. DID SHE LIKE ME WAS I STUPID DID I HURT HER FEELINGS???

 

Anyway, I thought it was just a funny character trait, but now that I’ve written it down, I see it’s my old friend Emotional Repression popping up. Hello again. Let’s never talk.

I have definitely gotten better, but digging my emotional core free is a slow, slow process. Sometimes Repression pops up and bites me in the ass, just like old times. It bites less than before, but it still bites.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 comments

  • Paul Sunstone
    February 28, 2019 7:17 am

    I enjoyed this engaging post, yet — for once — can’t find many words to say about it. Other than it was engaging and I enjoyed it. Or that I enjoyed it and it was engaging. Or perhaps even, it engaged me. I enjoyed it.

    My insufferable work here is done.

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  • Michael
    February 28, 2019 7:45 am

    I think we are all messed up in one wearing away at least you know the areas you want to work on which is a good thing.

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  • emje
    February 28, 2019 1:38 pm

    i think it’s cool that you have the little voices telling you you can do it & you are in it before the other voices catch up. because those little voices that tell you to not even try–they totally suck ass.
    so–yay!
    (now you just need to engage some comforting supportive voices to get you through…i usually choose the butthole surfers: “it’s better to regret something you have done than something you have not.”)
    ❤

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  • Lille Sparven
    February 28, 2019 8:24 pm

    You broke my Irony-O-Meter AND my Absurd-O-Meter with a single post. The Force is strong with this one. And because it’s totally inappropriate, I’m seeing Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and being fine until he notices, then he plummets to the canyon floor below and gets piano teeth or accordion spine and birds flying around his head and broken Acme skis.

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  • jbombpop
    February 28, 2019 8:32 pm

    Never doubt yourself halfway through. It can result in dangerous situations. Withhold your trepidation until the deed is done. Because hindsight is always 20/20 👍

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  • The Hinoeuma
    March 1, 2019 6:26 am

    Second guessing will wear you out. Overthinking will make you nuts.

    I remember when I, once, thought I would help my hubby put on new roof shingles. No problem. Yes problem. I got onto the roof & froze. That is a big roof. That is a high roof. What if I slide off? Where is the ladder I was standing on? Too much incline…😳😵

    I had to have help getting down. Me and my big ideas! 🙄

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