On the Death of a Mouse
Molly caught a mouse in the garage.
Don and I watch her poke at it.
She is proud.
She sprawls happily on her side
The picture of feline contentment
Stretches one sharp little paw and give it a lazy push.
It twitches a little.
How do you think she killed it, Don asks.
It doesn’t have any visible wounds.
And although she is a fine mouser
She never learned to eat them.
Maybe she scared it to death, I say.
Maybe it had a heart attack.
Prey can sometimes panic themselves to death.
They are so close to panic already
Their nervous systems strung tight as harp wire.
How could he not break under the weight
Of the persistent cat’s killing intent?
I go into the garage and get the shovel
Scoop the mouse up
And take it outside.
It still twitches.
So I drop it onto a shady spot beneath the maple
And bash its brains out with the shovel.
I remember when killing was hard.
My first mouse in a mouse trap haunted me for three days
And intermittently again
For two more years.
My first roadkill made me nauseous with empathy
For about five minutes.
After a while
Killing didn’t bother me anymore.
What bothered me more than anything
Was the fact that I wasn’t bothered.
I butchered a rooster
To see if I really was what I suspected I might be.
It was easy.
My only regret
Was that the knife wasn’t sharp enough.
With this act
Came the dizzying knowledge
That I was capable of worse.
Of much, much worse.
Is it this way for farmer housewives
For butchers
For hunters
For soldiers?
How do you come to terms
With your own capacity for good or evil?
I thought a lot about it
(I did a lot of thinking then)
I decided that it was like driving.
At first, when driving, I was afraid
Of the weapon I controlled.
One impulsive wrench of the wheel into oncoming traffic
And how many people would die?
What was stopping me?
I waited for myself to do it
But I never did.
So it is with murder.
Knowing that I am capable
Does not change anything.
I trust myself not to do something awful for no reason.
Coming to terms with one’s own power
Is a test of ethics.
I haven’t hurt anybody.
I don’t plan on it.
But knowing that seed is in me
And embracing it
As part of myself
Means it has no need to grow.
I wipe off the shovel and go inside
With only a slight and transient wonder
At my lack of feeling.
I forget all about it
Until recounting my day in my journal.
What feelings did I have today? I write.
And I come up with seven other notable events in my day
Before I remember killing the mouse.
A cat and the mouse story, unusual, but I could totally relate to your concerns and feelings. I think these lines explain my situation too.
“But knowing that seed is in me
And embracing it
As part of myself
Means it has no need to grow.”
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I don’t know why it’s always a little bit of a relief to find someone who can relate, but it is! ❤
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Yes , I can relate to that relief feeling. !!
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Haha!
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Nicely introspective. I think it was Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his writings about the time he spent in the Nazi concentration camp being tortured, who wrote that we all have that seed within us. That capacity to be good or evil. And that knowing this made it somehow easier to cope with what was happening to him as well as to forgive those who tortured him. For the roles could so easily have been reversed.
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That’s so true. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been so quick to forgive others, because I know I’m always a hair’s breadth away from the same sin myself. I never thought about it that way before.
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It’s the yin/yang of being a human. We are here to experience it all – at one time or another. To learn and grow 🙂
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I am often haunted with empathy for animals. Especially if I’ve accidentally hit them on the road…or if I have to set a trap for mice 😦
But living in the country, surrounded by woods, our entire house would be filled with mouse babies in the walls if we tried the humane way to deal with it.
The rooster situation haunted me for a while >_> lol
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Poor rooster. He was an asshole though.
I’m so glad for Molly. She’s killed at least five mice in the past two years. I think she’s exterminated any mouse problems we may have had, solely from the garage.
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Yeah he really was! And he was attacking the dogs. I was afraid he might poke their eyes out! So, thank you for doing the deed for me lol. Maybe I’M your murderous seed. Ordering a hitman is just as bad as being the murderer, right? hahaha
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Anytime you want someone done in, you just let me know sweetie.
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Okay, thank you! ❤ You're a great friend
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Yeah that is really handy that Molly is a great mouser. It would be nice to have a cat to control the mice – plus, if the cat does it then it’s on THEIR conscience and not mine! lol
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…But maybe that’s just because my woods are haunted by animal and people spirits.
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Don’t mistake an actual ghost haunting with being haunted by guilt for your horrific crimes! Easy mistake to make 🙂
Maybe your house is haunted by the spirits of vengeful mice. Can we add that to the list?
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Haha that is an easy mistake to make! Pffft, sure why not! Let’s throw that on top of the pile of ghosts and ghouls lingering…floating…remaining…in the forest nearby. *cold sweat*
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There’s at least one on your house now, I let her in when I was feeding the bearded dragon, remember? I still feel bad about that, I should have held the door closer when I went through. I knew there were ghosts outside and I still did it. I just wasn’t thinking!
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It’s easier to forget about when you don’t do it every day! The oily black shadows can sneak in through the smallest cracks!! I don’t blame you, I should have warned you better about it. It is a fairly nice spirit – it doesn’t cause very much trouble. A cup falls here and there, the toilet paper roll starts unraveling, the microwave gets turned on – other than that not too bad!
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Oh good! I was afraid it might a poltergeist and warp the house shut when you try to leave, you know the type.
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Oh yes! I’ve had experience with those before! They’re the hardest type to exterminate from a home!
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worse than bedbugs, I swear to god
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They are comparable!!
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