Reverse Midas Touch
Never good enough
Never good enough
Try a little harder
Punish
Self castigate
Mortify the flesh
Is this good yet?
Is this?
Am I still
A disappointment?
I wrote all evening
And nothing good happened.
The reverse Midas touch, I wrote.
Everything I do turns to shit.
But it wasn’t good enough either.
When will I be good enough.
When will I be satisfied.
What am I looking for?
When I write, I write what I felt that day.
So I didn’t feel anything today?
No. I felt inadequacy. That was sharp.
I need to write what is wrong
I need to write for me
I need to write for therapy
I need less judge.
I read a really bad story today by another writer.
Relatively, I’m an incredible talent.
I read a really good story today by another writer.
Relatively, I’m a half-wit.
What can I do
Why do I try so hard
Why do I try
Why do I care
Why can’t I just be happy
Writing stories and poems should be fun.
When I was a kid
Even then
I was a harsh critic.
I must have been eight
I remember judging my little kid poetry
For rhyming wife with wife. What a cop out, I thought.
I remember being displeased by my corny poem conclusion:
“What is the way to be happy?
There is only one thing
And that is, to sing!
Oh, what a good way to be happy!”
It felt wrong. Of course that wasn’t the best way to be happy.
My parents thought it was adorable
But I knew better.
I always know better.
I never trust praise.
I know my flaws.
They burn my eyes
They scald my soul
They cannot be extricated
They cannot be exorcised
They can only be
Embraced
Every day.
Practice will patch the holes
Acceptance will allow for flexibility
Some days are hard
Some days are easy.
I will never meet my own expectations
So I must not allow expectations.
Oh, what a good way to be happy!
Fresh Hell 
I think a most everyone feels that way when they embark upon the unknown(or something they feel that they should know). Think about the new mom. So many of them are riddled with the angst of screwing up their new baby’s life somehow! 😀 The best advice what my midwife told me, “Lower your expectations and then lower them again.” Everything will be fine. That voice in there that says you suck is not your friend, so treat it like a bad friend and kick it out or ignore it.
LikeLiked by 4 people
That’s an amazing and hilarious motto. I think I will adopt it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sean is right, the voice that says you suck is not your friend, Sarah. You don’t suck, anyway. One of my favorite bloggers to read — and I have damn good taste.
LikeLiked by 4 people
I know that logically I don’t suck… but sometimes we just go nuts and spiral out of control. I appreciate the compliment 😊 It was the best and most honest thing I wrote so I had to post it. It was either that or something really random and flat.
It’s part my policy to be open and honest on this blog, to help me get over myself. So whenever I write something like this, I usually make myself post it.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Good instincts, Sarah. Always go with honesty. Makes better art.
LikeLiked by 2 people
We do honesty for the same reason then. I mean primary reason. Ego control.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, for me the primary reason is more about overcoming my emotional repression. It is getting a little easier but I always hate sharing negative feelings with people. It’s because I’m afraid to do it, that I must do it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But ego control makes sense too, I used to have a lot more trouble with that. My ego would go from heights to depths daily. Today was a little relapse.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a pretty good reason to blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, it is best to ignore ourselves at times. Expectations will kill our souls.
I can’t say about you, I like what you write. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you ♥️ It’s a trap, you know? If I start expecting too much I get blocked!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is a trap but one has to find a way to beat it…either complete silence or a lot of background music or noise to drown it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh! And you are kindly welcome. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
We are our own worst critics, we expect so much betterer…. I personally think you’re a damn good writer. … I cope with my inadequate feelings by drowning myself in music while I’m writing, it seems to numb my self doubts while I’m writing, so I’m actually threading words with and against the music and not getting my stupid mind in the way of some creative thoughts…..simple….. simple….. simple….. simple, ….KISS…… that’s what I keep telling myself…
LikeLiked by 3 people
Than you Ivor 😊
That’s really interesting that you use music to overcome it! Music is such a powerful thing. I might have to try that.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Anything is worth a try, and I play all genre, i suppose I select on my mood, different volumes. I been asked why doesn’t it distract me, and well I’ve no idea, maybe it makes me focus, maybe the pace of my thoughts are in tempo with the tune…. I’m not sure…. but this is the way I write…. music and more music…..best of luck Sarah…. I’ll give you the music I was writing my poem “Dumped” to this morning.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yeah, I am like most people and get distracted with music. But I do alright if it doesn’t have lyrics.
The song was nice 😊
LikeLike
Even while the demon within is telling you you’re not good enough, you are proving her wrong.
LikeLiked by 2 people
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person