How I get through meetings
I wrote this last year during my first meeting/welcome party at my job. I still find it entertaining.
what an awkward meeting
everyone’s staring at each other
nobody has jack shit to say
stare
stare
…
all of these people will be dead in fifty years
or close
unless there’s a war
or global warming
then all of these people will be dead in less than fifty years
and everyone would come to their meetings with haunted eyes
but I doubt that will happen
because the university will shut down
and in the case of a nuclear apocalypse
that will be
the only blessing
Two worlds blew up in the future and I
I chose the one without the university
and that has made all the difference
I feel like we’re gonna be here a long time because we want to justify all the planning and partying we’ve done to be here
that’s ok
every welcome party
makes me feel more isolated
and hate myself more
why is that I wonder
all this attention on me
and me, not being the right kind of person to accept it healthily
now we’re talking about pies
and everyone is a LOT more comfortable
people are cute
now we’re awkward again
we’ve exhausted the topic of pies
Now we’re talking about baseball
and John has taken over the conversation
everyone seems a bit relieved and just a slight tad antsy
but mostly relieved that we don’t have to look at each other
conclusion: not a lot of extroverts in this group
Somebody let a monster into the room.
“GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE!” Melissa screamed. It looked at us all with beady bloodshot eyes, its fangs dripped, its short nude body all unnatural veins and floppy genitals and lumpy musculature. It heaved with each breath and flitted its eyes around the room as if looking for something.
Everyone rolled their their chairs away from it instinctively.
The creature started towards Melissa, the closest, who got up and backed into the table. She grabbed the nearest weapon, a coaster, and threw it at the monster. It bounced off the monster’s head with a stony PLUNK noise and then hit Kirk.
The creature menaced towards her. It grabbed her with one meaty hand and bared its fangs. She screamed hysterically as it sank its teeth into her shoulder.
John, who had the most PTSD, was the quickest to react. He grabbed his thermos and beat the creature over the head. The creature flinched several times but didn’t back down.
Stacey ran out for help. Erin leaped on the creature, trying to pull it off of Melissa. I grabbed a pen and stabbed the creature repeatedly in the shoulder and back. The pen broke.
And that’s when Hannah hulked out. “NOT AGAIN!” she screamed. “Goddammit not again! You bastard!” She flipped the ten foot conference table, leaped upon the monster, and caved in its skull with one punch. The creature twitched and died. Blood pooled. Melissa shakily extracted herself from underneath the body.
“Whew, you guys have interesting meetings,” I said lamely.
Awkward silence reigned once more.
Damn him! Those creatures are always appearing in the most awkward of meetings. We must learn how to shut out the awkward. Shut out the darkness! …the night is dark and full of awkward.
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Bahaha!
Oh no, the light burnt out! OH MY GOD THE AWKWARD IS CREEPING UNDER THE DOOR I’M LEAVING!
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I can’t believe you just gave my story meaning. This creature is now the personification of awkward. And apparently, you are the asskicker of awkward.
And once you kill the awkward… everything is still awkward.
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Haa! I’m so happy to contribute. I also love to imagine the gross, floppy-genital monster being the personification of awkward. It’s so fitting! Pfffft, I guess I’m not the best person to take down the awkward, am I? Things are still awkward after, heh. Maybe its soul haunts me and thus I AM the awkward monster!!
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“I thought we killed the awkward monster!” Amy said, on the verge of tears. “Why are we still all so awkward?”
Everyone slowly turned to look at Hannah.
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LOL! I love it!
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Also, I’ve asked your permission to draw this monster too. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to draw something from your description! Squee! ❤
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Yes, I know you’ll do a better job than I did, I didn’t even follow my own description!
I’m really happy about this
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❤
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Pingback: The meeting monster! – Cowdog Creatives
Whoaaah! It’s definitely out of its element! And it has so many floppy genitalia, haha!
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A team building exercise?
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LOL, yes. Nothing creates brotherhood among coworkers like beating a monster to death with your thermos.
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For sure, tackle the beast!
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ha fabulous! I was hoping a couple of them might get a stomping 🙂
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All of my work meetings are conference calls. No staring. No monsters. Blah.
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Be careful though, monsters can pop up at your house too! Please don’t make the mistake of thinking yourself immune!
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haha!
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I’ve gone blind with that description…😫
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Lol! Please get better! Don’t lose hope, you might still get selective amnesia!
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🤣🤣😂😂
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Pingback: How I get through meetings — Fresh Hell – Afterwards
Sarah,
That was effing amazing! I know who the monster is in the meetings I have to attend — you just have a better imagination!! *big grin* Awkward meetings will never be the same! Haha!
Mona
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I had fun imagining each person’s reaction to the monster.
Sometimes there is an overpowering smell of alfredo; Hannah and I have decided that this is the alfredo zombie is passing by.
We have to keep work interesting somehow 😂
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LOL the Alfredo Zombie! I haven’t thought about him in a long time. Someone has been keeping him a secret lately. Maybe they’re not heating up their alfredo anymore – just eating it cold!
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Ah, I moved buildings, so I don’t smell him anymore. I miss that building, it was so full of zombies. It had lots of scary corners that the imagination could fill. Here, we get nothing more than the occasional office lockdown bloodbath, or velociraptor attack.
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Oh that’s right. That was the other building wasn’t it. I guess here we just have a lot of random gross smells like…cheese ‘n’ hot fish
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microwave tuna zombie… car exhaust zombie… heavy patchouli/lavender zombie… IDK, these don’t feel like zombies though, they feel more like ghosts. This building is more ghosty, it has those high ceilings, you know? And the smells are more transparent
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LOL the car exhaust zombie! I think he’s the scariest, most lethal zombie. We clamber to get away from him more quickly than the others! Haha you’re right, this building is definitely more ghostly. It’s definitely haunted instead of rife with zombies. All the zombies live in the basement of that other building.
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